My absence of feeling was so prominent, I mistook it for a hole needing to be filled.
When Sienna pushed her way through the crowd towards us, I focused everything I could on not repeating how pitiful Id acted in the bathroom. I swallowed hard and straightened up when she approached.
This time, I wasnt going to fuck up.
Id been discussing her with Seth from the moment Id left the bathroom. He was fairly disinterested. Id been watching him. He wasnt comfortable, standing with his arms crossed, scratching at his jaw line and checking his watch in between idle sips of his beer: He couldnt wait to get out of here.
It was obvious that Seth didnt see this New World in the same way I did. That was fine, he didnt need to see like me. He had no cause to. But for me, it was all will. This entire night was an experience I wanted. It was an experience I needed.
She invited us to the Members Lounge of Eternal. Sienna worked here as a promoter, so she could get us anywhere. I didnt have to mention that I was here on behest of the owner, and in a way, Im glad.
Despite everything that came with it, I was still here because Id agreed to do a job. That job was, essentially, to review this club as a profitable franchise for my Fathers investment. As soon as it got out thats what I was doing, everyone would be treating me differently.
Thankfully, it never came up.
Sienna led us into the Members Lounge, guiding me with my hand in hers. I let my thumb stroke the back of her knuckles as she pulled me along, but not once did she turn to make suggestive eye contact with me, nor did she return the subtle, affectionate gesture.
It made me feel self-conscious again, and I stopped and almost let my hand go limp in hers. But I didnt. I squeezed back, matching her intensity. I wanted this girl in her entirety.
I wasnt so impressed with the amenities of the Lounge area; I was more impressed with how theyd managed to build the entire club in what appeared to be an old wine cellar. The ceilings were high, though. Higher than a cellars should be, so I assumed theyd dug further into the ground and hollowed the floor out, the brick work along the walls stopped suddenly a metre off the ground and gave way to plaster and black tiling.
Cindy was a nice enough girl. She was very bubbly and kept sending glances Seths way, but he just ignored them. He mirrored the Asian girl, Alex, who sat next to him. They were both just slumped and grumpy with that peculiar mix of bore-angry that always makes for a fun-sponge.
Cindy seemed more receptive to my charm than Sienna, who constantly checked her phone or picked at the ring around her thumb, or would sometimes just stare, squinting at the ceiling as if trying to make something out in the brick work. Once or twice Id looked up as she did, only to see nothing worthy of remark.
She was completely on another level.
I got sick of Cindy after about fifteen minutes, but I realized that if I wasnt talking to her, nobody would be talking at all. I bought everyone a round, and gave Sienna a Tequila Sunrise.
You hair, Id told her, in reference to the maroon pallor with orange and red highlights.
-despite popular belief, is not dead skin. Shed replied, and taken the glass from me before sipping it and turning her green gaze back to the sad-sack Asian sitting on the sofa across from her.
Shortly after that, Alex had announced she was leaving. I knew Seth wouldnt stay long after that. Sienna chased after her to say a second good-bye. I watched her go, still captivated, waiting, even hoping that this feeling would pass and Id be able to go home with her.
But when she turned around, and our eyes met again and the corner of her lips tweaked up just a little bit, I knew there was no chance of that happening. Not tonight.
Dude, Seth said while Sienna was making her way back to us. I think Im going to head off too. Its getting late, and Cats at home all alone.
I looked over to where he sat on the red upholstered couch. I repeated the words hed said to me in my head. Its getting late, and Cats at home alone. What did he mean? So many things Seth did these days that were just bizarre.
He was with this girl, really committed to her, and I couldnt see why. He hadnt known her long, she was attractive, sure, but nothing spectacular. She didnt do anything impressive or come from a notable background.
All I knew for sure about Catherine was that shed emasculated Seth completely, and now seemed to dictate his every action.
Love hurts.
Sure man. I told him. Take off.
It wasnt like he needed my permission so much as hed wanted it to stave off any guilt that might have ridden along had he left without my blessing. Im sure he knew I was aware of that.
I watched him stand up, but didnt linger to watch him leave; Sienna was back.
And now the only problem was Cindy: Boring, regular, every-day, attention-grovelling Cindy. I usually have a great tactic to get rid of a girl like that, but none of the ones that came to mind would have worked with Sienna, her friend, right next to her.
I could have issued a soft, back-handed compliment that would have her second guessing my intentions, or triple her self-consciousness. I could have very easily pretended to receive a text, laughed heartily at it and then at the impending inquiry explained that my girlfriend had sent me a funny photo of her genitalia and then, of course, offered to share-.
I could have gone to the bathroom and never returned. I could have left the interaction and gone to meet some new people. As it stood, Cindy and Sienna were a package deal.
That was until Cindys phone rang.
She pulled the little receiver from her purse and pressed it to her ear, plugging her other with the tip of her forefinger. It wasnt as loud in the Lounge as it was in the club proper, but there was definitely still a heavy bass thundering through the thick walls.
Without warning, Cindy had broken into tears and hysterics, asking strange questions of the person on the other end like When did it happen? and Is she in the hospital? and Is she she?
And then she stood up, and through a face contorted with crying and tears, told Sienna that she had to go.
Cool. Sienna has answered at length. Dont hurt yourself.
Cindy ran out of the service entrance, weeping and crying into her phone. I watched her go and my brow furrowed. I had a wave of dj vu flow over me.
So, shed said to me. What now?
What now, Edmund? My Father had asked me when Id knocked on the door of his study; a large room lined with bookshelves that reached all the way up to the high ceiling, and a desk that faced the floor-to-ceiling windows of the one wall that looked out over the city.
My Father had his back to me, and was leaning heavily on the redwood desk over a copy of a large leather-bound book he was examining with a magnifying glass. He was wearing a white cashmere sweater that seemed too tight for his broad shoulders and a gut that had widened with age.
He turned around to look at me, his saggy face regarding my posture, my presence, and I could tell he was wondering why exactly I was interrupting him. He pursed his lips and ran a hand over his balding, greying head.
I had in my hand my school report, still enclosed in a long, wide white sealed envelope. I am seventeen years old. And I am nervous.
Ive got my report. I told him, gesturing to it. I was still wearing my dark blue Saint Kevins School blazer, and had dumped my heavy backpack on the hall just outside the door to his study.
My Father turned back around to his book. Leave it on the kitchen table. He told me. Ill look at it later.
I nodded, and held the report with both my hands, I was about to walk away, but paused, and looked back up at my Fathers hunched back as he leered at his text. Id wanted to show him something. For the first time ever, Id gotten an A+ mark on an assignment.
When I spoke again, he visibly shook, as if startled. I think I know what I want to do when I finish School, I told him.
He let out an arduous sigh and turned around, crossing his arms and looked at me. What?
I said I think I know what I-
I heard you, Edmund. He said, momentarily closing his eyes in frustration. I meant what do you want to do?
I looked right up at him, and smiled. I think Ill be a teacher.
My Father grinned wide and let out a chortle, shaking his head and wiping the corner of his mouth as he leaned back against his heavy desk.
He checked his watch.
Christ, Edmund, what would you teach? He asked me.
English? I offered, suddenly unsure of myself. He just kept smiling smugly at me. After a moment, I realized I was expected to explain my deduction. I gestured to the envelope. I got an A+ on my poetry and literature assignme-
Id begun to walk into the study, but suddenly my Father walked toward me, holding up a hand to make sure I stayed at the door. You know I dont want you in here. He said.
I nodded, and stepped back. I got an A+ on my poetry and literature assignme-
Yes, I heard. He said.
He walked out of his study, pushing me out of the way by the shoulder as he did. He turned, removing a key from his pocket, and locked the door behind him.
He then started to walk down the hall, past the door to my bedroom, toward the kitchen. I chased after him. So what do you think? I asked as I got to the kitchen, watching as he went about making himself a smoothie with his new juicer.
I think He sighed, his back to me as he chopped up an apple. Statistically, two grades dont equal a trend.
I nodded, and walked over to the table and placed my report envelope next to the fruit bowl. I turned around and walked down the hallway, into my bedroom, locking the door behind me.
Id gotten up in the middle of the night for a glass of water. The envelope still sat where Id left it, the seal still firmly in place.
I blinked for a moment, shaking away my reverie as I slid down to sit on the sofa next to Sienna. Sorry. I told her.
For what, sudden incoherence? She suggested, her right hand fiddling with the silver ring around her left thumb.
I smiled. No. A beat. Well yes. Sudden, unwarranted incoherence.
Why? She inquired, her eyes still on her gorgeous, soft hands.
You just I sighed, and sniggered, rubbing my face in my hands. Its weird but You just reminded me of my Father.
I hope we do not share a startling, physical resemblance. She offered, and turned for the first time to look right at me, her lips curled into a broken smile. That would be awkward.
I looked back at her, taking a few moments to regard her gentle, radiant and alien beauty. No. I said. Youre nothing like my Father. Youre nothing like anyone or anything Ive known before.
Thats a shame. She said, frowning slightly, her green eyes rapidly tracing my face.
Why? I asked, confusion evident in my suddenly soft voice.
Because, she said, after tonight that will no longer be the case. Because youll have known me.
Youre strange. I stated.
Youre not? She quipped.
Not as strange as you. I replied. But Id like to be.
Why is that? She asked, crossing her left leg over her knee, and tilting her body only slightly more toward me. As soon as you adopt what is bizarre to you, it will become boring and repetitive.
But not with you. I told her.
How can you be so sure?
Because Im sure Ive dreamt about you.
Really? Was I naked?
No. I told her. No, not that kind of dreaming. Not a dream when youre asleep. But a dream you come up with. A perfect image in your mind, like what Heaven must be like.
The idea of heaven is the saddest thing in the world, Edmund. She frowned, and looked back down as she slowly rotated the ring around her thumb, the noise of the club and the people around us blunted by my concentration and the strange chemistry that had welled up between us.
How can Heaven be sad? I asked her. Its paradise.
Yes. She agreed, and looked up, leaning closer into me, her fierce green eyes on mine. A human fantasy: When death comes, life will be perfect. So ironic. If heaven were real, so many of us would have a better life in death. Wed die in order to live.
I paused a long moment. But there is no reason to fear death if theres a heaven. I told her.
She parted her lips a hairsbreadth, and exhaled alcohol scented perfume into my face. Do you fear death, Edmund?
Of course.
Why?
Because I dont believe in heaven. I said, simply. I suddenly realized how close she was to me. I reached up, cautiously, to touch her cheek, but she caught my hand with her own, the cold metal of the ring around her thumb throbbing into the warmth of my palm.
What do you believe in, then? She asked me, pulling my hand back to lay against the leather seat, her head drifting closer towards mine. I could feel her breath on my lips.
I I inhaled silently as her mouth closed in on mine. I dont know.
It was her idea to go back to my penthouse. To my credit, I asked her if she wanted to wait and check on Cindy, but she seemed disinterested. She was hard to read. She said she wanted to go because shed never been that high up before.
I wanted to accommodate her.
The lift opened right into the spacious kitchen. It was dark except for the backlights of the stove and the only sound was the hushed hum of the refrigerator. Sienna stepped in before me, her neck craning up as she peered around, studying the place.
She took in the lacking clutter, the spooky cleanliness of the place that almost implied an absence of occupants. I stepped out of the lift just after her, hands in the pockets of my skinny jeans. I let my eyes tremor down over her figure from behind for just a moment.
At night, the window-walls of my penthouse generally reflected what was inside rather than reveal the city without. If you wanted to look out over Melbourne, you had to turn all the lights in the room off so you were enveloped in total darkness.
Thats exactly what Sienna did when I first brought her into my bedroom.
She didnt run over to my stereo, or faun over my television, or compliment me on my huge bed, or having a room the size of most peoples homes. No. She reached across me and flicked the lights out a bare second after Id turned them on.
She walked down the three carpeted steps onto the floor of my room, stopping in her stride to remove one of her little boots, and dropped it on the floor. She took a few more steps and then did the same to the other.
I closed the door behind myself and continued to watch her. She was like a cat, assessing a new environment. Stealthy, feminine. Yet cautious and prepared.
She walked up to the window-wall and peered out over the glowing green, blue, yellow and red lights of the skyline. Down, deep below she looked over the waters of the Yarra, painted in the glow of the city above, just as my walls were from the other side.
Well? I asked, taking my wallet and keys from my pocket and placing them on my cluttered desk.
Were high up. She stated.
Thats what you wanted, isnt it? I waited, watching her as she lifted one hand to place it firmly against the window, as if for support, and leant further into it, peering down. Her other hand snaked up the back of her neck and undid her bandana, letting her deceptively long sunshine hair fall free, down between her shoulder-blades.
She didnt answer me. She just kept looking, pushing up onto her tip-toes, her nose almost pressed against the glass.
I walked over to my stereo, turning the power on and listening to the familiar click echo from the speakers placed all around my room. My iPod was connected to the system via a long, thin black chord and the glow form the screen lit my face as I cycled through the music.
Sienna had looked around the room, toward me when the speakers clicked. What are you doing? she asked in a voice just short of panic.
Putting on some music. I told her, my finger stopped on the iPod screen. Requests?
She paced toward me, arms swinging with a purpose. I watched as she strode, and didnt flinch as she slid her hand up my wrist and pried the device from my grip while simultaneously turning into me, her back pushing against my chest as if to wall me off from what she was doing.
For a moment, I was worried Id offended her, but I saw just a hint of a grin playing upon her face in the light glow of the iPod. I smiled, and enjoyed the moment, her back on my chest, my naval at her backside.
It lasted only a moment, as she shifted very subtly to reduce most of the contact.
I exhaled slowly, taming myself.
You dont have it. She said, pulling the chord from the device. The light switched out.
Have what? I asked in the semi-darkness, the radiance of the city seeping in the windows.
What I want to listen to. She said, retrieving her own, much older style music player from her pocket, and plugged it in. The speakers made another resounding click, but it was louder this time.
A more muted light came from the black and white screen she held, and she selected the music, without letting me see, and then switched the light off, placing the hand-sized object down on the stereo top and moved away from me.
It took a moment, but the music slowly slid out of the speakers around the room. It was old. Really old to me, at least. The intro was a group of men with harmonized voices singing a few random words in what I know is called doo-wop.
The voice of the lead vocalist snuck in then. A male, with a smooth, romantic tone; Oh Blue Angel, dont you cry, just because he said good-bye
After a moment, I stopped paying so much attention to the music, and stared at Sienna: She was making her way back toward the window, silhouetted against the city lights, moving, slithering her body in a liquid way as she danced, so delicately, to the music.
Her hand slid up her side. Her hip cocked out only to slowly drift back to her centre. Her eyes slide shut and her head turned at an angle, lips held softly apart as she moved herself in a gentle, lurid worship of the music.
I stood, aghast, and moved back, vainly searching with my hands for the wall that I knew was behind me somewhere. I found it with a sudden thump, and leant against it, watching this vixen silhouette move before me.
It felt like I should not have been watching. A strange thing. A woman. A girl, so lost in the music, she felt a need to make love to it in her own way right in front of me. The darkness a second security, but I was here, and I could see.
I could revel.
Her hand slid down her hips, to her thighs, so slowly, never trying to match the pace of the music, but just keeping slightly behind it. The music was leading her. She was letting it take her to place I knew then I never could.
I was in a world I felt like I was invading. I was a voyeur to something so private, so instinctual to her, that I felt sullied.
I looked away, down to my feet for a moment. The music kept playing at me, teasing my ears. The singers masculine, yet dreamy voice was unlike anything Id ever heard. Suddenly I understood why Sienna was doing what she was doing.
I looked back up at the slowly shifting silhouette.
She was in a headspace so beyond me, so beyond other people, that she couldnt conform to even simple things like music. I could hear things in the song that I hadnt heard in anything else, so I couldnt begin to imagine what her mind would make of the gentle, loving lyrics and the accompanying doo-wop.
She stopped moving for a moment, as if frozen by a secret caress. Her arms slid up over her breasts, crossing at her chest and her hands clasped her shoulders at the base of her neck. She turned slowly to look at me, a glint of her green eyes almost horrifying when the rest of her face was partially obscured by the darkness.
We looked at one another for a while, the song still radiating and enveloping us. Suddenly, I saw the subtle contours of her mouth turn down, into a frown.
Why are you so sad, boy? She asked me.
My throat choked up, like a ball was pushing its way up my neck from my stomach. All at once I thought of all the reasons why I was doing what I was doing.
Her words, like a chime in the wind, lingered in my mind for a long time after shed said them. It was an idea, a prospect Id never even considered myself. And so, I thought about it. The signs were all there, I was in control of all of them, and yet I neglected the actual word, the acknowledgement of my feeling.
I was sad.
And for the first time that I could remember, I let my eyes show this girl just how sad I really was. I felt naked, exposed, shaking. I drifted down the wall, my legs losing their feeling and slipping out slowly from under me.
My mouth was contorted as sounds I didnt recognize echoed out of me. My cheeks were wet. I covered my face with my arms as I sat against the wall. I didnt want her to see me. I didnt want her to open me up and peer inside at this thing Id now become.
This thing that was locked away somewhere deep within for the longest time.
Shed shown me her true self with the music, and now I had no choice but to do the same.
I felt fingers slide into my palms, and I looked up from my attempted hiding place, through water-logged eyes at her as she sunk to her knees before me, her face so gently sympathetic.
I tried to breathe through my now blocked nose, and instead just let out a long, low murmur from my throat.
I was disarmed. Completely and unintentionally at her mercy.
She tilted her head slowly, her eyes on my chest and her hair spread down over her face. She pulled my arm up, away from my ribs to break my guarded position.
Slowly, she moved next to me, her legs curled under herself, and she pulled my arm around her shoulders, her head resting down against my stomach. Her hand continued to caress my fingers, squeezing them softly, as her mouth offered whispers of comfort as I cried.
I cried.
And she held me.
In the darkness, the music stopped.
When Sienna pushed her way through the crowd towards us, I focused everything I could on not repeating how pitiful Id acted in the bathroom. I swallowed hard and straightened up when she approached.
This time, I wasnt going to fuck up.
Id been discussing her with Seth from the moment Id left the bathroom. He was fairly disinterested. Id been watching him. He wasnt comfortable, standing with his arms crossed, scratching at his jaw line and checking his watch in between idle sips of his beer: He couldnt wait to get out of here.
It was obvious that Seth didnt see this New World in the same way I did. That was fine, he didnt need to see like me. He had no cause to. But for me, it was all will. This entire night was an experience I wanted. It was an experience I needed.
She invited us to the Members Lounge of Eternal. Sienna worked here as a promoter, so she could get us anywhere. I didnt have to mention that I was here on behest of the owner, and in a way, Im glad.
Despite everything that came with it, I was still here because Id agreed to do a job. That job was, essentially, to review this club as a profitable franchise for my Fathers investment. As soon as it got out thats what I was doing, everyone would be treating me differently.
Thankfully, it never came up.
Sienna led us into the Members Lounge, guiding me with my hand in hers. I let my thumb stroke the back of her knuckles as she pulled me along, but not once did she turn to make suggestive eye contact with me, nor did she return the subtle, affectionate gesture.
It made me feel self-conscious again, and I stopped and almost let my hand go limp in hers. But I didnt. I squeezed back, matching her intensity. I wanted this girl in her entirety.
I wasnt so impressed with the amenities of the Lounge area; I was more impressed with how theyd managed to build the entire club in what appeared to be an old wine cellar. The ceilings were high, though. Higher than a cellars should be, so I assumed theyd dug further into the ground and hollowed the floor out, the brick work along the walls stopped suddenly a metre off the ground and gave way to plaster and black tiling.
Cindy was a nice enough girl. She was very bubbly and kept sending glances Seths way, but he just ignored them. He mirrored the Asian girl, Alex, who sat next to him. They were both just slumped and grumpy with that peculiar mix of bore-angry that always makes for a fun-sponge.
Cindy seemed more receptive to my charm than Sienna, who constantly checked her phone or picked at the ring around her thumb, or would sometimes just stare, squinting at the ceiling as if trying to make something out in the brick work. Once or twice Id looked up as she did, only to see nothing worthy of remark.
She was completely on another level.
I got sick of Cindy after about fifteen minutes, but I realized that if I wasnt talking to her, nobody would be talking at all. I bought everyone a round, and gave Sienna a Tequila Sunrise.
You hair, Id told her, in reference to the maroon pallor with orange and red highlights.
-despite popular belief, is not dead skin. Shed replied, and taken the glass from me before sipping it and turning her green gaze back to the sad-sack Asian sitting on the sofa across from her.
Shortly after that, Alex had announced she was leaving. I knew Seth wouldnt stay long after that. Sienna chased after her to say a second good-bye. I watched her go, still captivated, waiting, even hoping that this feeling would pass and Id be able to go home with her.
But when she turned around, and our eyes met again and the corner of her lips tweaked up just a little bit, I knew there was no chance of that happening. Not tonight.
Dude, Seth said while Sienna was making her way back to us. I think Im going to head off too. Its getting late, and Cats at home all alone.
I looked over to where he sat on the red upholstered couch. I repeated the words hed said to me in my head. Its getting late, and Cats at home alone. What did he mean? So many things Seth did these days that were just bizarre.
He was with this girl, really committed to her, and I couldnt see why. He hadnt known her long, she was attractive, sure, but nothing spectacular. She didnt do anything impressive or come from a notable background.
All I knew for sure about Catherine was that shed emasculated Seth completely, and now seemed to dictate his every action.
Love hurts.
Sure man. I told him. Take off.
It wasnt like he needed my permission so much as hed wanted it to stave off any guilt that might have ridden along had he left without my blessing. Im sure he knew I was aware of that.
I watched him stand up, but didnt linger to watch him leave; Sienna was back.
And now the only problem was Cindy: Boring, regular, every-day, attention-grovelling Cindy. I usually have a great tactic to get rid of a girl like that, but none of the ones that came to mind would have worked with Sienna, her friend, right next to her.
I could have issued a soft, back-handed compliment that would have her second guessing my intentions, or triple her self-consciousness. I could have very easily pretended to receive a text, laughed heartily at it and then at the impending inquiry explained that my girlfriend had sent me a funny photo of her genitalia and then, of course, offered to share-.
I could have gone to the bathroom and never returned. I could have left the interaction and gone to meet some new people. As it stood, Cindy and Sienna were a package deal.
That was until Cindys phone rang.
She pulled the little receiver from her purse and pressed it to her ear, plugging her other with the tip of her forefinger. It wasnt as loud in the Lounge as it was in the club proper, but there was definitely still a heavy bass thundering through the thick walls.
Without warning, Cindy had broken into tears and hysterics, asking strange questions of the person on the other end like When did it happen? and Is she in the hospital? and Is she she?
And then she stood up, and through a face contorted with crying and tears, told Sienna that she had to go.
Cool. Sienna has answered at length. Dont hurt yourself.
Cindy ran out of the service entrance, weeping and crying into her phone. I watched her go and my brow furrowed. I had a wave of dj vu flow over me.
So, shed said to me. What now?
What now, Edmund? My Father had asked me when Id knocked on the door of his study; a large room lined with bookshelves that reached all the way up to the high ceiling, and a desk that faced the floor-to-ceiling windows of the one wall that looked out over the city.
My Father had his back to me, and was leaning heavily on the redwood desk over a copy of a large leather-bound book he was examining with a magnifying glass. He was wearing a white cashmere sweater that seemed too tight for his broad shoulders and a gut that had widened with age.
He turned around to look at me, his saggy face regarding my posture, my presence, and I could tell he was wondering why exactly I was interrupting him. He pursed his lips and ran a hand over his balding, greying head.
I had in my hand my school report, still enclosed in a long, wide white sealed envelope. I am seventeen years old. And I am nervous.
Ive got my report. I told him, gesturing to it. I was still wearing my dark blue Saint Kevins School blazer, and had dumped my heavy backpack on the hall just outside the door to his study.
My Father turned back around to his book. Leave it on the kitchen table. He told me. Ill look at it later.
I nodded, and held the report with both my hands, I was about to walk away, but paused, and looked back up at my Fathers hunched back as he leered at his text. Id wanted to show him something. For the first time ever, Id gotten an A+ mark on an assignment.
When I spoke again, he visibly shook, as if startled. I think I know what I want to do when I finish School, I told him.
He let out an arduous sigh and turned around, crossing his arms and looked at me. What?
I said I think I know what I-
I heard you, Edmund. He said, momentarily closing his eyes in frustration. I meant what do you want to do?
I looked right up at him, and smiled. I think Ill be a teacher.
My Father grinned wide and let out a chortle, shaking his head and wiping the corner of his mouth as he leaned back against his heavy desk.
He checked his watch.
Christ, Edmund, what would you teach? He asked me.
English? I offered, suddenly unsure of myself. He just kept smiling smugly at me. After a moment, I realized I was expected to explain my deduction. I gestured to the envelope. I got an A+ on my poetry and literature assignme-
Id begun to walk into the study, but suddenly my Father walked toward me, holding up a hand to make sure I stayed at the door. You know I dont want you in here. He said.
I nodded, and stepped back. I got an A+ on my poetry and literature assignme-
Yes, I heard. He said.
He walked out of his study, pushing me out of the way by the shoulder as he did. He turned, removing a key from his pocket, and locked the door behind him.
He then started to walk down the hall, past the door to my bedroom, toward the kitchen. I chased after him. So what do you think? I asked as I got to the kitchen, watching as he went about making himself a smoothie with his new juicer.
I think He sighed, his back to me as he chopped up an apple. Statistically, two grades dont equal a trend.
I nodded, and walked over to the table and placed my report envelope next to the fruit bowl. I turned around and walked down the hallway, into my bedroom, locking the door behind me.
Id gotten up in the middle of the night for a glass of water. The envelope still sat where Id left it, the seal still firmly in place.
I blinked for a moment, shaking away my reverie as I slid down to sit on the sofa next to Sienna. Sorry. I told her.
For what, sudden incoherence? She suggested, her right hand fiddling with the silver ring around her left thumb.
I smiled. No. A beat. Well yes. Sudden, unwarranted incoherence.
Why? She inquired, her eyes still on her gorgeous, soft hands.
You just I sighed, and sniggered, rubbing my face in my hands. Its weird but You just reminded me of my Father.
I hope we do not share a startling, physical resemblance. She offered, and turned for the first time to look right at me, her lips curled into a broken smile. That would be awkward.
I looked back at her, taking a few moments to regard her gentle, radiant and alien beauty. No. I said. Youre nothing like my Father. Youre nothing like anyone or anything Ive known before.
Thats a shame. She said, frowning slightly, her green eyes rapidly tracing my face.
Why? I asked, confusion evident in my suddenly soft voice.
Because, she said, after tonight that will no longer be the case. Because youll have known me.
Youre strange. I stated.
Youre not? She quipped.
Not as strange as you. I replied. But Id like to be.
Why is that? She asked, crossing her left leg over her knee, and tilting her body only slightly more toward me. As soon as you adopt what is bizarre to you, it will become boring and repetitive.
But not with you. I told her.
How can you be so sure?
Because Im sure Ive dreamt about you.
Really? Was I naked?
No. I told her. No, not that kind of dreaming. Not a dream when youre asleep. But a dream you come up with. A perfect image in your mind, like what Heaven must be like.
The idea of heaven is the saddest thing in the world, Edmund. She frowned, and looked back down as she slowly rotated the ring around her thumb, the noise of the club and the people around us blunted by my concentration and the strange chemistry that had welled up between us.
How can Heaven be sad? I asked her. Its paradise.
Yes. She agreed, and looked up, leaning closer into me, her fierce green eyes on mine. A human fantasy: When death comes, life will be perfect. So ironic. If heaven were real, so many of us would have a better life in death. Wed die in order to live.
I paused a long moment. But there is no reason to fear death if theres a heaven. I told her.
She parted her lips a hairsbreadth, and exhaled alcohol scented perfume into my face. Do you fear death, Edmund?
Of course.
Why?
Because I dont believe in heaven. I said, simply. I suddenly realized how close she was to me. I reached up, cautiously, to touch her cheek, but she caught my hand with her own, the cold metal of the ring around her thumb throbbing into the warmth of my palm.
What do you believe in, then? She asked me, pulling my hand back to lay against the leather seat, her head drifting closer towards mine. I could feel her breath on my lips.
I I inhaled silently as her mouth closed in on mine. I dont know.
It was her idea to go back to my penthouse. To my credit, I asked her if she wanted to wait and check on Cindy, but she seemed disinterested. She was hard to read. She said she wanted to go because shed never been that high up before.
I wanted to accommodate her.
The lift opened right into the spacious kitchen. It was dark except for the backlights of the stove and the only sound was the hushed hum of the refrigerator. Sienna stepped in before me, her neck craning up as she peered around, studying the place.
She took in the lacking clutter, the spooky cleanliness of the place that almost implied an absence of occupants. I stepped out of the lift just after her, hands in the pockets of my skinny jeans. I let my eyes tremor down over her figure from behind for just a moment.
At night, the window-walls of my penthouse generally reflected what was inside rather than reveal the city without. If you wanted to look out over Melbourne, you had to turn all the lights in the room off so you were enveloped in total darkness.
Thats exactly what Sienna did when I first brought her into my bedroom.
She didnt run over to my stereo, or faun over my television, or compliment me on my huge bed, or having a room the size of most peoples homes. No. She reached across me and flicked the lights out a bare second after Id turned them on.
She walked down the three carpeted steps onto the floor of my room, stopping in her stride to remove one of her little boots, and dropped it on the floor. She took a few more steps and then did the same to the other.
I closed the door behind myself and continued to watch her. She was like a cat, assessing a new environment. Stealthy, feminine. Yet cautious and prepared.
She walked up to the window-wall and peered out over the glowing green, blue, yellow and red lights of the skyline. Down, deep below she looked over the waters of the Yarra, painted in the glow of the city above, just as my walls were from the other side.
Well? I asked, taking my wallet and keys from my pocket and placing them on my cluttered desk.
Were high up. She stated.
Thats what you wanted, isnt it? I waited, watching her as she lifted one hand to place it firmly against the window, as if for support, and leant further into it, peering down. Her other hand snaked up the back of her neck and undid her bandana, letting her deceptively long sunshine hair fall free, down between her shoulder-blades.
She didnt answer me. She just kept looking, pushing up onto her tip-toes, her nose almost pressed against the glass.
I walked over to my stereo, turning the power on and listening to the familiar click echo from the speakers placed all around my room. My iPod was connected to the system via a long, thin black chord and the glow form the screen lit my face as I cycled through the music.
Sienna had looked around the room, toward me when the speakers clicked. What are you doing? she asked in a voice just short of panic.
Putting on some music. I told her, my finger stopped on the iPod screen. Requests?
She paced toward me, arms swinging with a purpose. I watched as she strode, and didnt flinch as she slid her hand up my wrist and pried the device from my grip while simultaneously turning into me, her back pushing against my chest as if to wall me off from what she was doing.
For a moment, I was worried Id offended her, but I saw just a hint of a grin playing upon her face in the light glow of the iPod. I smiled, and enjoyed the moment, her back on my chest, my naval at her backside.
It lasted only a moment, as she shifted very subtly to reduce most of the contact.
I exhaled slowly, taming myself.
You dont have it. She said, pulling the chord from the device. The light switched out.
Have what? I asked in the semi-darkness, the radiance of the city seeping in the windows.
What I want to listen to. She said, retrieving her own, much older style music player from her pocket, and plugged it in. The speakers made another resounding click, but it was louder this time.
A more muted light came from the black and white screen she held, and she selected the music, without letting me see, and then switched the light off, placing the hand-sized object down on the stereo top and moved away from me.
It took a moment, but the music slowly slid out of the speakers around the room. It was old. Really old to me, at least. The intro was a group of men with harmonized voices singing a few random words in what I know is called doo-wop.
The voice of the lead vocalist snuck in then. A male, with a smooth, romantic tone; Oh Blue Angel, dont you cry, just because he said good-bye
After a moment, I stopped paying so much attention to the music, and stared at Sienna: She was making her way back toward the window, silhouetted against the city lights, moving, slithering her body in a liquid way as she danced, so delicately, to the music.
Her hand slid up her side. Her hip cocked out only to slowly drift back to her centre. Her eyes slide shut and her head turned at an angle, lips held softly apart as she moved herself in a gentle, lurid worship of the music.
I stood, aghast, and moved back, vainly searching with my hands for the wall that I knew was behind me somewhere. I found it with a sudden thump, and leant against it, watching this vixen silhouette move before me.
It felt like I should not have been watching. A strange thing. A woman. A girl, so lost in the music, she felt a need to make love to it in her own way right in front of me. The darkness a second security, but I was here, and I could see.
I could revel.
Her hand slid down her hips, to her thighs, so slowly, never trying to match the pace of the music, but just keeping slightly behind it. The music was leading her. She was letting it take her to place I knew then I never could.
I was in a world I felt like I was invading. I was a voyeur to something so private, so instinctual to her, that I felt sullied.
I looked away, down to my feet for a moment. The music kept playing at me, teasing my ears. The singers masculine, yet dreamy voice was unlike anything Id ever heard. Suddenly I understood why Sienna was doing what she was doing.
I looked back up at the slowly shifting silhouette.
She was in a headspace so beyond me, so beyond other people, that she couldnt conform to even simple things like music. I could hear things in the song that I hadnt heard in anything else, so I couldnt begin to imagine what her mind would make of the gentle, loving lyrics and the accompanying doo-wop.
She stopped moving for a moment, as if frozen by a secret caress. Her arms slid up over her breasts, crossing at her chest and her hands clasped her shoulders at the base of her neck. She turned slowly to look at me, a glint of her green eyes almost horrifying when the rest of her face was partially obscured by the darkness.
We looked at one another for a while, the song still radiating and enveloping us. Suddenly, I saw the subtle contours of her mouth turn down, into a frown.
Why are you so sad, boy? She asked me.
My throat choked up, like a ball was pushing its way up my neck from my stomach. All at once I thought of all the reasons why I was doing what I was doing.
Her words, like a chime in the wind, lingered in my mind for a long time after shed said them. It was an idea, a prospect Id never even considered myself. And so, I thought about it. The signs were all there, I was in control of all of them, and yet I neglected the actual word, the acknowledgement of my feeling.
I was sad.
And for the first time that I could remember, I let my eyes show this girl just how sad I really was. I felt naked, exposed, shaking. I drifted down the wall, my legs losing their feeling and slipping out slowly from under me.
My mouth was contorted as sounds I didnt recognize echoed out of me. My cheeks were wet. I covered my face with my arms as I sat against the wall. I didnt want her to see me. I didnt want her to open me up and peer inside at this thing Id now become.
This thing that was locked away somewhere deep within for the longest time.
Shed shown me her true self with the music, and now I had no choice but to do the same.
I felt fingers slide into my palms, and I looked up from my attempted hiding place, through water-logged eyes at her as she sunk to her knees before me, her face so gently sympathetic.
I tried to breathe through my now blocked nose, and instead just let out a long, low murmur from my throat.
I was disarmed. Completely and unintentionally at her mercy.
She tilted her head slowly, her eyes on my chest and her hair spread down over her face. She pulled my arm up, away from my ribs to break my guarded position.
Slowly, she moved next to me, her legs curled under herself, and she pulled my arm around her shoulders, her head resting down against my stomach. Her hand continued to caress my fingers, squeezing them softly, as her mouth offered whispers of comfort as I cried.
I cried.
And she held me.
In the darkness, the music stopped.
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