storey

Pay no attention to the previous post.

On the advice of friends Ive spent the weekend trying to keep myself distracted from all the stuff in my head that i cant seen to work through. Ive been out doing things with just about all of my frineds and family to the point that Ive only been home for a bout 45 minutes in the last couple days or so. Its been productive though. I realize three very important things. One: I absolutley cannot drink when I am worried like this. My problems sit right on the edge of every thought that i have and ruin any fun that the night would bring. At least I know i can never drink to escape my problems. No alcoholism for me. Two: Distraction, like drinking, does nothing to keep my mind occupied. All it does is piss me off to no end at the fact that i cant comcentrate on whats wrong with me. It may work for some people, for some things, but not for me, not for this. Three: The advice of friends, while well meaning and in the best of spirits, can do nothing for me. All their advice and help, and im really sorry for saying this, is useless. They just dont understand where im coming from on any of this stuff. I guess my mind works so differently from everyone else that it just cant make any sense to them. They tell me not to worry so much about all of it becuase it will just make it wose. I know that. How could I not know that. But how can I not worry about something that affects the very core of my being. All this crap has so much to do with who I am and why I keep going at all that it seem absoltuley insane to me NOT to worry about it and to NOT try to resolve all of ir as fast as possible. The problem with all of this is that there really is no solution. The problem lies not with in me but within situations that my life keeps running into. Ive been trying to figure out how to avoid these situations and keep them from happening but, for the life of me, I can not. Theres something inside of me that I dont understand and I honestly cannot figure out why its there or what I do to couteract it. Whatever that is its whats making this stuff happen time and again in my life. Im so fucking lost and theres nothing that can be done about it. In high school I took a psychology class. Great class by the way. My instructor invited a friend of hers to speak to the class since we were looking at the different ways to see the world and how that relates to the psychology of the person doing the seeing. The guest was a buddhist monk. Or at least he was going to be a monk. Not quite one yet, so im told. Anyway, the one thing I remember from his talk was when he told us how he dealt with problems in his life. He said "If you find a solution to the problem the stop worrying, you are done. If you can not find a solution to the problem then stop worrying also, there is nothing to be done so it is of no use to keep worrying." I used to live by that saying until I ran into this problem. I cant find a soluiton to it and I cant stop worrying about it. Its to improtant to me to just let it simmer like this. I think Im just going to have to start dealing with the fact that theres nothing I can do about it and try to get on with everything already. Aside from actually naming the problem itself thats whats been going on the last week or so. I know I will get over all this soon enough, I always do. I just wish this would stop happenind to me all the damn time.


edit: after re-reading this i realize that its not exactly fair to bleed all over the page here and not tell you guys the nature of the problem so this is all about something that keeps happening to me over and over again. it happened recently, pretty much anyway though im not mad or upset about it this time at all, i understand why it happened. what keeps happening is that every time i get interested in someone and tell them how i feel i always, and i mean ALWAYS, get that same thing "...i really like you too but i think we should just stay frineds, i dont want to ruin that great thing we have going on..." or something like that. Like I said it happened again, not like the others though, I actually understand the reasons for this one which is why im ok with it. I just cant figure why it always happens to me. And i cant figure a way out of it. All alot of bullshit if you ask me. except no one ever does. I just want out of all of this, y'know, maybe catch a break every now and then. the only thing i really want in life is to fall in love and it seems to be the only thing i cant do. hmmm....... thats about the size of it anyway.