Maybe its the sleepyness setting in but I really miss having someone to come home to. Oh sure, theres my roommate. But Id just as soon beat her with an aluminum pipe as hug her.
Todays word #1 is Rejection!
rejection (r-jkshn)
n.
1.The act of rejecting or the state of being rejected.
2.Something rejected.
3.Medicine: The failure of a recipient's body to accept a transplanted tissue or organ as the result of immunological incompatability; immunological resistance to foreign tissue.
Word #2 is Fear!
fear (fr)
n.
1. A. A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.
B. A state or condition marked by this feeling: living in fear.
2. A feeling of disquiet or apprehension: a fear of looking foolish.
3.Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.
4.A reason for dread or apprehension: Being alone is my greatest fear.
v. feared, fearing, fears
v. tr.
1. To be afraid or frightened of.
2. To be uneasy or apprehensive about: feared the test results.
3. To be in awe of; revere.
4. To consider probable; expect: I fear you are wrong. I fear I have bad news for you.
5. Archaic. To feel fear within (oneself).
v. intr.
1. To be afraid.
2. To be uneasy or apprehensive.
Put them together and what do ya get?
Thats right! FEAR of REJECTION!
Its not so much the actual rejection that scares me. Its actually the confirmation that the small part of me with the low self opinion is right. That everyone sees me the way that I hope Im not.
Damn do I hate not being loved. It leaves you feeling so empty. Just like that hollow chocolate rabbit that I threw at the wall the other day. The slightest little thing and BAM! you go all to pieces. This seems to be my problem. My strength comes from those around me. When everyone else is happy, then Im happy. If not then Its up to me to help make them happy. This is all fine and good for my friends. They give me the everyday strength I need to move through life and let little things slip off my back like nothing. But for super heavy emotional moments and problems they just cant provide. Im not really in that mood now. But for some reason I miss it not being there. The knowledge that, if I need someone for it then they are there. And since I dont have that person it makes all this shit alot harder to take and deal with.
What I need is someone who is there, not because they feel sorry for me or feel they have to but because they love me and want to be with me. This is what I need. We all need, probably.
On the radio today they were talking about those internet dating services and how there are too many women on them and not enough men. And the overwhelming consensus was that there was a lack of men because they are shallow and that they dont want to commit so that they can keep there prospects open for something younger and prettier. Needless to say this pissed me off something fierce. Ive gone through the last 4 years looking for everything BUT younger and prettier. Looks are so far down on my list they dont even matter. Negligable. Ya know? But after listening to that it makes me see that I am a minority in this little world. Probably 95% of the men and women that called in said that they agreed that men were shallow, simplistic creatures. No wonder no one takes me seriously.
Hmmm, I point alot of obvious crap in my ramblings.
So, the two of you that read my journal: Wish me luck this weeken. Im gonna trya and have fun. And Ill take lots of pictures.
Todays word #1 is Rejection!
rejection (r-jkshn)
n.
1.The act of rejecting or the state of being rejected.
2.Something rejected.
3.Medicine: The failure of a recipient's body to accept a transplanted tissue or organ as the result of immunological incompatability; immunological resistance to foreign tissue.
Word #2 is Fear!
fear (fr)
n.
1. A. A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.
B. A state or condition marked by this feeling: living in fear.
2. A feeling of disquiet or apprehension: a fear of looking foolish.
3.Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.
4.A reason for dread or apprehension: Being alone is my greatest fear.
v. feared, fearing, fears
v. tr.
1. To be afraid or frightened of.
2. To be uneasy or apprehensive about: feared the test results.
3. To be in awe of; revere.
4. To consider probable; expect: I fear you are wrong. I fear I have bad news for you.
5. Archaic. To feel fear within (oneself).
v. intr.
1. To be afraid.
2. To be uneasy or apprehensive.
Put them together and what do ya get?
Thats right! FEAR of REJECTION!
Its not so much the actual rejection that scares me. Its actually the confirmation that the small part of me with the low self opinion is right. That everyone sees me the way that I hope Im not.
Damn do I hate not being loved. It leaves you feeling so empty. Just like that hollow chocolate rabbit that I threw at the wall the other day. The slightest little thing and BAM! you go all to pieces. This seems to be my problem. My strength comes from those around me. When everyone else is happy, then Im happy. If not then Its up to me to help make them happy. This is all fine and good for my friends. They give me the everyday strength I need to move through life and let little things slip off my back like nothing. But for super heavy emotional moments and problems they just cant provide. Im not really in that mood now. But for some reason I miss it not being there. The knowledge that, if I need someone for it then they are there. And since I dont have that person it makes all this shit alot harder to take and deal with.
What I need is someone who is there, not because they feel sorry for me or feel they have to but because they love me and want to be with me. This is what I need. We all need, probably.
On the radio today they were talking about those internet dating services and how there are too many women on them and not enough men. And the overwhelming consensus was that there was a lack of men because they are shallow and that they dont want to commit so that they can keep there prospects open for something younger and prettier. Needless to say this pissed me off something fierce. Ive gone through the last 4 years looking for everything BUT younger and prettier. Looks are so far down on my list they dont even matter. Negligable. Ya know? But after listening to that it makes me see that I am a minority in this little world. Probably 95% of the men and women that called in said that they agreed that men were shallow, simplistic creatures. No wonder no one takes me seriously.
Hmmm, I point alot of obvious crap in my ramblings.
So, the two of you that read my journal: Wish me luck this weeken. Im gonna trya and have fun. And Ill take lots of pictures.
dragonchylde:
You better have fun this weekend..and hopefully sometime soon when I get the crap fixed on my car I WILL come down and take you out!