I don't like Easter. I know that sounds bad. I have never been a big fan of it, not really. Oh sure as many of you know I am a fan of the sweets but I am not a fan of the holiday. I don't think I ever have been. When I was younger it was church. I mean the Catholics, and I am sorry if I offend anyone by saying this, go to friggin town when it comes to Easter. This is afterall the holiest day of the year. As a kid, I just remember that Palm Sunday lead to my vacation being spent going to church and having to wear a fancy dress on Sunday which would sit in my closet the rest of the year. My reward was what ever sweet treat which was in a basket that was older than us and the eggs I had dyed the night before.
Then as an adult, Easter has been associated with my father dying just 3 weeks before, my then husband raping me, my emotional breakdown. An ex boyfriend who lied about his car breaking down, so he could be with his wife and kids.
Yes, I had an emotional breakdown and was in mental half way house for two weeks. I did not want to leave. I felt that people cared about me. I did not feel that in my life outside of it. My father was dead and my husband raped me. He said just 3 weeks after my father died that he was sick of crying and he was going to have his wife. My sister watched our girls that night. He was a heartless bastard. Earlier that week I was told I could NEVER had kids again. I always wanted a big family and I could not have kids. He started hitting me that night too. Anyway, when my mom got home from Holy Saturday mass, I was in sad shape and I just remember he was yelling and screaming at me and she started yelling and screaming at me. She told me I had better start being a wife and mother and get used to it. I walked outside. I could not breathe. This most likely one of my first panic attacks. Instead of being supportive of me, she called the cops. She called 911 and was going to have me arrested. She then called back and said that my husband would take me to the hospital. I told the doctor that if I went home I was going to kill myself. I was so lost in grief from losing my dad and being taken ... I was in the deepest darkest part of my soul. I spent my daughter's first Easter in a mental half way house.
The following Easter, my husband took my kids to his mother. He asked me for a divorce. He had heard from my mother that I was sleeping with someone that I worked with. Ok, I worked at Spencer's and this person lived in I think San Jose, God it has been 10 years. Anyway, I sat at home alone at Easter. That night he came home and told me that I would have to be out of his house by May 1 and he wanted full custody of the girls. He said his mother told him that HE was the reason we were getting housing assistance and if I made him leave the girls and I would be homeless. If I were to even get the girls since with my health problems (blood clotting disorder) and my mental problems. He convinced me I was a loser. I was below low, and my mother compounded what ever he said. I gave up and that night, broken hearted agreed to let him have custody. I felt like I had no other option. I had been bullied to give up my kids.
I dont often tell people what happen - why I dont have custody of my kids. Irish says I am ashamed of that part of my life. Maybe he is right. I am ashamed that I did not fight hard enough. The truth of the matter is I only fought just as hard as I could at the time. I was broken and week.
Anyway, a lot of bad things happen around Easter and that is why I dont like Easter.
I would much rather celebrate the start of spring. I love the start of spring. Every since we moved to MN and have 4 seasons. I love that the trees are just about to burst full of color with the leaves.
So, today since I had the day off, I have been puttering around the house and cleaning where I need to. It was then I realzied that I have two wine glasses in my bedroom and I am the one who put them there. The thing is neither one had wine it is. I dont drink wine because of the medications that I am on. So I was drinking sparkling soda out of them. Hey people think it silly but then again I am silly. Silly people are happy and I am happy.
I need to go.........enjoy the weather......................Happy Easter.
Then as an adult, Easter has been associated with my father dying just 3 weeks before, my then husband raping me, my emotional breakdown. An ex boyfriend who lied about his car breaking down, so he could be with his wife and kids.
Yes, I had an emotional breakdown and was in mental half way house for two weeks. I did not want to leave. I felt that people cared about me. I did not feel that in my life outside of it. My father was dead and my husband raped me. He said just 3 weeks after my father died that he was sick of crying and he was going to have his wife. My sister watched our girls that night. He was a heartless bastard. Earlier that week I was told I could NEVER had kids again. I always wanted a big family and I could not have kids. He started hitting me that night too. Anyway, when my mom got home from Holy Saturday mass, I was in sad shape and I just remember he was yelling and screaming at me and she started yelling and screaming at me. She told me I had better start being a wife and mother and get used to it. I walked outside. I could not breathe. This most likely one of my first panic attacks. Instead of being supportive of me, she called the cops. She called 911 and was going to have me arrested. She then called back and said that my husband would take me to the hospital. I told the doctor that if I went home I was going to kill myself. I was so lost in grief from losing my dad and being taken ... I was in the deepest darkest part of my soul. I spent my daughter's first Easter in a mental half way house.
The following Easter, my husband took my kids to his mother. He asked me for a divorce. He had heard from my mother that I was sleeping with someone that I worked with. Ok, I worked at Spencer's and this person lived in I think San Jose, God it has been 10 years. Anyway, I sat at home alone at Easter. That night he came home and told me that I would have to be out of his house by May 1 and he wanted full custody of the girls. He said his mother told him that HE was the reason we were getting housing assistance and if I made him leave the girls and I would be homeless. If I were to even get the girls since with my health problems (blood clotting disorder) and my mental problems. He convinced me I was a loser. I was below low, and my mother compounded what ever he said. I gave up and that night, broken hearted agreed to let him have custody. I felt like I had no other option. I had been bullied to give up my kids.
I dont often tell people what happen - why I dont have custody of my kids. Irish says I am ashamed of that part of my life. Maybe he is right. I am ashamed that I did not fight hard enough. The truth of the matter is I only fought just as hard as I could at the time. I was broken and week.
Anyway, a lot of bad things happen around Easter and that is why I dont like Easter.
I would much rather celebrate the start of spring. I love the start of spring. Every since we moved to MN and have 4 seasons. I love that the trees are just about to burst full of color with the leaves.
So, today since I had the day off, I have been puttering around the house and cleaning where I need to. It was then I realzied that I have two wine glasses in my bedroom and I am the one who put them there. The thing is neither one had wine it is. I dont drink wine because of the medications that I am on. So I was drinking sparkling soda out of them. Hey people think it silly but then again I am silly. Silly people are happy and I am happy.
I need to go.........enjoy the weather......................Happy Easter.