alright so here's the gig...
For the past year or so I've really gotten lost in the "single life". Ive lost a lot of what it took me so long to gain and up until this point I could have given two shits about it. Ive been breakin hearts and jaws like I smoke cigarettes. That's not to make me seem "cool", actually quite the contrary. It just goes to show how fucking pointless an existence Ive been leading. It's like I jumped right back on to the road I was headed down 5 yrs ago. The road that as far as I can see only leads to death or jail. There was a time when I had some faith in the world, when I wasn't so hard edged and cold. Maybe not faith in the world itself but faith that I may actually have a chance to be the man I wanna be. The guy I've been, was fun for a while, now its just old and sour. I saw a dude a while ago about 55 or so sitting in the corner of restaurant eating by himself and pounding beers like they would wash away all the pain. I don't wanna be that guy. I refuse to be that guy! Im closing in on 25 now and granted Im still young, I always thought I would have accomplished more by now. I want more! Not in the materialistic sense but in the sense that i want to be, for the first time in my life, whole and happy. I can't even imagine what it feels like to be happy. I don't "feel" anything anymore. I've been so afraid to put myself out there for so long that I've lost touch with my emotions. Im willing to feel pain and heartache if it means I feel something and if it's the product of at least trying to acquire something out of life with a little more meaning. My only problem now is that because now all of a sudden I've decided that Im ready, everything is supposed to just fall into place? Fuck no! it doesn't work like that. So here I stand, cold and alone with nothing in front of me and everything behind me. Where do I go from here? Do I trek into the nothingness and hope that there's still something left for me? I can't go back, the bridges have been burned and the cities have fallen, the past holds nothing for me. I know people are going to say "you've got your whole life ahead of you" and yeah you're right but what if I missed something back there I was supposed to have picked up? What if the rest of my "whole life" is filled with just... me? Then Im 55 sitting in a restaurant drinking myself to death because I can't stand the sight of another day and quick and easy seems well... too easy! Do I deserve to die unhappy and alone? I suppose those people have to exist in the world to balance things out. What if Im one of them? Or worse yet, what if I wasn't supposed to be, but now I am, because as I stated earlier I missed something. Fuck! I just wanna be happy. I wanna work, come home, kiss my wife because I actually fucking love her, play with my kids and go to bed feeling fullfilled. Like I've actually contributed something to this life! Maybe I still have a chance, I don't know. The point is that I've come to a great epiphony after a long period of nothing. Meaningless sex, two week relationships, fighting for no reason except to "feel" and drinking to make myself feel empowered and justified instead of broke down and empty. Im ready for something more...
For the past year or so I've really gotten lost in the "single life". Ive lost a lot of what it took me so long to gain and up until this point I could have given two shits about it. Ive been breakin hearts and jaws like I smoke cigarettes. That's not to make me seem "cool", actually quite the contrary. It just goes to show how fucking pointless an existence Ive been leading. It's like I jumped right back on to the road I was headed down 5 yrs ago. The road that as far as I can see only leads to death or jail. There was a time when I had some faith in the world, when I wasn't so hard edged and cold. Maybe not faith in the world itself but faith that I may actually have a chance to be the man I wanna be. The guy I've been, was fun for a while, now its just old and sour. I saw a dude a while ago about 55 or so sitting in the corner of restaurant eating by himself and pounding beers like they would wash away all the pain. I don't wanna be that guy. I refuse to be that guy! Im closing in on 25 now and granted Im still young, I always thought I would have accomplished more by now. I want more! Not in the materialistic sense but in the sense that i want to be, for the first time in my life, whole and happy. I can't even imagine what it feels like to be happy. I don't "feel" anything anymore. I've been so afraid to put myself out there for so long that I've lost touch with my emotions. Im willing to feel pain and heartache if it means I feel something and if it's the product of at least trying to acquire something out of life with a little more meaning. My only problem now is that because now all of a sudden I've decided that Im ready, everything is supposed to just fall into place? Fuck no! it doesn't work like that. So here I stand, cold and alone with nothing in front of me and everything behind me. Where do I go from here? Do I trek into the nothingness and hope that there's still something left for me? I can't go back, the bridges have been burned and the cities have fallen, the past holds nothing for me. I know people are going to say "you've got your whole life ahead of you" and yeah you're right but what if I missed something back there I was supposed to have picked up? What if the rest of my "whole life" is filled with just... me? Then Im 55 sitting in a restaurant drinking myself to death because I can't stand the sight of another day and quick and easy seems well... too easy! Do I deserve to die unhappy and alone? I suppose those people have to exist in the world to balance things out. What if Im one of them? Or worse yet, what if I wasn't supposed to be, but now I am, because as I stated earlier I missed something. Fuck! I just wanna be happy. I wanna work, come home, kiss my wife because I actually fucking love her, play with my kids and go to bed feeling fullfilled. Like I've actually contributed something to this life! Maybe I still have a chance, I don't know. The point is that I've come to a great epiphony after a long period of nothing. Meaningless sex, two week relationships, fighting for no reason except to "feel" and drinking to make myself feel empowered and justified instead of broke down and empty. Im ready for something more...
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...and no, that wasn't you i was talking about in my last journal because he turned out to be an asshole & you are most certainly not