steveshyte

Played Reno over the weekend. Changed my stage name to "Meth Dentist". Several sold out shows.

I had sex with a real estate agent last weekend. She rolled over in bed the next morning and I got hit in the face with a wafting smell of baked rigatoni. Is there a new Italian restaurant themed STD I'm unaware of or have I officially gotten so fat that sex and my love for Macaroni Grill have become interchangeable?

Middle of the night power shitting is underrated.

I want to give up everything and move to the midwest and find an old divorced white trash woman in her 50s who will love me unconditionally and we could sit around all day and be nudists and collect unemployment and watch porn with her adult children who still live with her.

I am now the proud owner of an electronic hands-free infrared soap dispenser for my bathroom. No woman in my life, but my hands are clean.

I used to run a comb through my hair. Now I run a Bic over my scalp. Thankfully, I have a large penis.

Happiness is going to sleep with a clean ass.

I officially transitioned from "fat" to "fat fuck" today. I had to do seismic retrofitting on my favorite pair of pants.

It's so hot in the Bay Area, I think I smell a skin tag cooking in my armpit.

If you enjoy my downward spiral on here, see the full technicolor version on Twitter