steve_huge

ok this is a long post... the last two or three have all been...

but this is probably one of the most important things to happen to me in my entire life... and is certainly the most important conversation i have ever had...



so... the last few weeks have been an eye opener... a revelation of sorts...

i see things... the world, in a whole new light... to say the last few weeks is the cause of this is not true... its been building for years... the last year os so have bought it to light more... and in the last few weeks this has intensified loads...

synchronistic... the last few weeks have been amazing... i feel like a totally different person...

and all of this built to...

yesterday, i had this chat with my dad... who really opened my eyes... i mean really... it was one of the most brutally shocking conversations i've had... probably ever...

it wasn't so much the subject matter, but the brutal truth of what was said... especially to hear it from someone so close as your father...

i know not everyone is close to their parents... but i am... really close... we dont talk a lot but i do feel very fortunate in how well we get on and what they have done for me... they have been supportive, caring and helpful my whole life... we never had a lot of money, but they've always helped anyway they could, both money and emotional...

but above all... with me if not with each other... they have been honest...

which is what makes the one line he said so important

i'll set the scene a little...

we had just attended my nephews 6th birthday party and were driving home... i was talking about the shock of how quickly time flies, my nephew being 6 already. which follwed with the fact that in a few weeks i turn 35 "in 5 years time i'm 40... in 5 years time i could be classed as middle age" (although i dont quite see it that way in this day and age, but i will explain that in a later entry) i turned to see a look of true shock on his face for the first time in my life.... he turned to me and just looked at me.... "40..." he said "where the hell did that go..."

the look of shock on his face was shocking enough for me... i replied... "i know, its just flying by... i can't believe i've been alive for 35 years... and what... what have I done?"

he turned back around... and one line...

"nothing... to be honest with you neil, you've done nothing with your life"

it hit me like a bus... nothing... my father thinks i've done nothing with my life... my father who is still proud of me, regardless, thinks i've done nothing of real worth with my life...

after a second he continued

"if i were to die tomorrow i could look at my life and think to myself, its ok, i've lived a great life. i have kids i'm proud of and have enjoyed my life at every turn. of course there are ups and downs, but no regrets and no real wants. can you say the same... if you were to look at your life what memories would you have.... they are the true wealth in life. you have done nothing with it though... you have to live. you've done nothing to remember, you have nothing of emotional attachment to show or live for. what have you done?"

and the the thing is, he's right.... my life, especially in the last few years have been building to that one line... i haven't been blind to the signs.... i've seen them, but signs are easy to ignore...

but you cant ignore a point blank statement, especially from someone who means so much...

"nothing... to be honest neil you've done nothing with your life"

i will never forget those words...

i have wasted my life

how true...

no longer