stenno

Where do I even begin to try and explain how I'm feeling right now!?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuuuuuck. I try not to swear but this is all I can do right now. I feel physically ill, my stomach is turning and I've been shaking.

Why the fuck do I ruin everything and hurt people when they like/love me?

Heather phoned this evening, I could hardly hear her the line was so poor but the jist of the conversation was 'thanks for the memories'.

I met the woman of my dreams, I had the time of my life, yet thanks to me getting down and depressed about life and feeling that she could do better than me, I ended what we had. I watched her cry and I felt awful but what hope was there for two people thousands of miles apart?

Then through the tears she told me that she had been thinking about coming over in October and then possibly moving here in February.

There <strong>was</strong> hope.

Yet I'd blown it and blown it good.

I knew I was a hoser. I wrote to her and begged for forgiveness. I know the future would have been great if we had got back together. I bought two tickets off of eBay to see The Kooks in October, a band we both love. I hoped she would still come over in October for a week or so just to see how things went. I wasn't expecting guarantees or promises. Just a chance.

I'm heart broken.

I hadn't heard from her in what seemed ages. I has my suspicions but I guess I was living in denial. Thinking all was good. I've spent the whole time dreaming of a future together, seeing bands, visiting Amsterdam again. Tim's (colleague and friend) stories of going on Safari in Africa even made me dream of going on one too next year despite my hives and I thought of Heather right away as the only person I would want to go with.

I'm a fool. I've blown the best thing to ever happen to me.

It's over



UPDATE
Well I spent the rest of yesterday down in the dumps. I'm kicking myself over my actions.

I woke up this morning though and I feel a bit of clarity has settled in.

Not sure how to put it but the ball is in her court, she's the only one who can change the situation. So I can't just sit around and mope at my loss. Plus the more I think about the situation, the more I think perhaps she isn't the one. I'm a big believer in showing compassion, giving people a second chance, forgiving and forgetting. She it seems doesn't.

I know I hurt her. Maybe more than I can imagine but people make mistakes, we all do. And if we only get one chance, and we only gave people one chance then we'd all be quite lonely and miserable.

She knows I love her but the tone of her voice on Friday said she didn't love me.

Off to a bbq now, back to my dads Sunday, conference on Monday. Have a good weekend everyone, thanks to those who had kind words