stenno

Right, perhaps second time round I'll manage to save this post before losing it!

As I was saying, why can't I have a nice quiet and simple life? That's all I'm asking for!

I seem to fuck up everything. Everyone.

I just don't understand why I feel the way I feel. Whenever I have something good happening, I feel like I don't deserve it. Or perhaps I get some kind of sick pleasure out of seeing someone hurt.

If someone can be hurt by you, then they care right?

I seem to have an issue. Maybe more than one quite likely.

All I can think of is that I have grown up feeling ugly and not wanted. Throughout schooling I was bullied for the way I looked. My sexuality always under question.

The only person I had to turn to was my mother. She died when I was 16 and I spent the subsequent years growing up in a home where I felt alone. My dad and sister always sided together. My father always threatening to throw me out. My sister always telling me in front of my dad to move out.

Ever since school I've not had a best friend. Someone to really open up to. I feel alone.

I keep everything bottled up.

Perhaps the fact that I was 21 before I had my first girlfriend plays a part in things.

J was 18. Full of youthful energy. There was sexual chemistry there, but little else. I was into rock yet she was into rap. I hated gold yet she loved to wear rings and big ear-rings. It was a non-goer from the start really. After a couple of months I ended it. She cried her eyes out. I felt like shit.

Then I met Z. She was everything to me. Beautiful, clever, funny, sweet and caring. I remember being upset at how long it took her to fall for me as I was smitten. For a couple of years I would travel 120 miles to see her. Thanks to her I grew as a person, she helped me come out of my shell and discover the real me.

Despite all of this though I still had issues. I broke up with her 4, 5, maybe 6 times. Every so often I used to feel claustrophobic with the relationship, ending it only to want back in a week later.

The last time I ended it I decided enough was enough. To keep seeing her cry was torture. It was unfair on her. Yet it seemed to be the pattern I was creating.

Then more recently I met H. We clicked right away, we went to Amsterdam together and had a fantastic time.

Yet today I emailed her to say I just wanted to be friends. I struggled with Z being 120 miles away, so what do I do, meet someone 4500 miles away.

4500 miles apart, yet on cam I could see the tears rolling down her cheeks.

So here I am again, single and alone. Wondering if this is how I will always been. Growing old, on my own having broken hearts along the way and throwing away opportunities to be happy. Feeling like shit.

Enough.