So, I've quit my job. Not only that, but I did so with no other job to go to and barely enough money to pay the rent. This means that I have to find some organization willing to purchase my time in the next 3-4 weeks or I'm fucked like a pretty boy in a prison cell.
But you know what? I don't mind, I don't care. I'll make it, I always have. It's strange, but sometimes it seems as though I do these crazy, idiotic, irresponsible things on purpose, some sort of challenge. And I get away with it. I get away with everything (so far at least). I have this irresistible urge to push my luck, to see just how close I can make it, how far I can lean without falling off the ledge. And when I do fall off, there's always a net. I'm a fool, a fucking lucky fool. But I'm smiling.
Once, when I was 21, I came within inches of falling off a mountain. It was the fortress of Masada off the Dead Sea in Israel. I had wandered off by myself in search of a quiet place to look over the edge. I wasn't satisfied with the view from the rough windows cut in stone here and there. I found a spot with no one around, disregarded the warning not to climb the walls, and climbed the wall. The wall was really thick and I didn't see how I could fall off if I was careful. Thing is, it gets windy high up there out in the desert and a gust caught me as I stood there, the front edge of my shoes flush with the edge of the wall and the cliff below. Just a small little gust, but enough that I lost my balance for a moment. One tiny little moment, but just enough, just enough that if I had fallen, I would be dead now. I'll never forget that tiny little terrifying moment and the sweet, sweet, joy that came after.
I was reminded of some things that day. I was reminded that life is fucking beautiful and there's no point in fearing it. I was reminded to embrace life and to soak up every moment. And above all, I was reminded that my life was mine. I needed and still need a lot of reminding. It seems to me that every day there is something else trying to wrap a chain around my leg as I fall asleep of boredom and I need to keep my eyes open. I don't regret the subtle paranoia, the keen sense of danger, they keep me sharp. Nor do I regret climbing that wall. I knew it was dangerous and I did it anyway.
But you know what? I don't mind, I don't care. I'll make it, I always have. It's strange, but sometimes it seems as though I do these crazy, idiotic, irresponsible things on purpose, some sort of challenge. And I get away with it. I get away with everything (so far at least). I have this irresistible urge to push my luck, to see just how close I can make it, how far I can lean without falling off the ledge. And when I do fall off, there's always a net. I'm a fool, a fucking lucky fool. But I'm smiling.
Once, when I was 21, I came within inches of falling off a mountain. It was the fortress of Masada off the Dead Sea in Israel. I had wandered off by myself in search of a quiet place to look over the edge. I wasn't satisfied with the view from the rough windows cut in stone here and there. I found a spot with no one around, disregarded the warning not to climb the walls, and climbed the wall. The wall was really thick and I didn't see how I could fall off if I was careful. Thing is, it gets windy high up there out in the desert and a gust caught me as I stood there, the front edge of my shoes flush with the edge of the wall and the cliff below. Just a small little gust, but enough that I lost my balance for a moment. One tiny little moment, but just enough, just enough that if I had fallen, I would be dead now. I'll never forget that tiny little terrifying moment and the sweet, sweet, joy that came after.
I was reminded of some things that day. I was reminded that life is fucking beautiful and there's no point in fearing it. I was reminded to embrace life and to soak up every moment. And above all, I was reminded that my life was mine. I needed and still need a lot of reminding. It seems to me that every day there is something else trying to wrap a chain around my leg as I fall asleep of boredom and I need to keep my eyes open. I don't regret the subtle paranoia, the keen sense of danger, they keep me sharp. Nor do I regret climbing that wall. I knew it was dangerous and I did it anyway.
VIEW 19 of 19 COMMENTS
I think we should sit down sometime and just chat about all things...
I used to have a friend that we could sit around and be all philosophical and thoughtful, but I don't live near him anymore... I miss that kinda higher level discussion.