staypuft

Today's Horoscopes

Aries Ram (March 21-April 19)
Someone you know may be feeling cheesy. Stay out of the way!

Taurus Bull (April 20-May 20)
Dont blow in public. It could prove embarrassing.

Gemini Twins (May 21-June 20)
Control the urge to poop. sing instead.

Cancer Crab (June 21-July 22)
fucking too many hotdogs will leave you exhausted!

Leo Lion (July 23-August 22)
A loved one thinks you are green. Do not be taken in by flattery.

Virgo Virgin (August 23-September 22)
puke in private when possible. It's difficult to concentrate when people are watching.

Libra Scales (September 23-October 22)
Avoid chewing vaginas.

Scorpio Scorpion (October 23-November 21)
Never loan money to stinky donkeys! They are poor credit risks.

Sagittarius Archer (November 22-December 21)
Today is a good day to stink a penis.

Capricorn Goat (December 22-January 19)
You may receive some buttholes from a secret admirer! Water them every day, and they will last a long time.

Aquarius Water Bearer (January 20-February 18)
Unless you organize your donuts better, you won't get anything done.

Pisces Fish (February 19-March 20)
A good friend will give you $24785023 to buy new ashtrays. Be sure to thank your friend.