staypuft

i just found out the other night that my "father figure" from around age 7-14 died 2 years ago. he was a very fucked up man, and probably the most self-destructive person ive ever known. but he was also one of the nicest, most honest people on the planet too. my mom really loved him, but she would never marry him because of his lifestyle. she told me a few nights ago (a few hours before i came home and looked him up on the internet to find out where he was, only to find out about his death) that she really wished she had stayed with him and married him. he proposed to her every few months for 6 years, she said "no" every time and they just left it at that, until one day it came down to marrying him or leaving him, so she left. for the past couple of years, every time we mention him, she would say that she thought he was dead. she never knew for sure until today, when i told her, and ive never heard her sound so sad yet so comforted. this man was the closest to a soul mate she had ever had. all she really said was that she knew in her heart that he was dead, and that she wished she had stayed and taken care of him. i dunno, this just really makes me think about my life right now, and the people (one in particular) that i love. i dont want to have any regrets like that.

i think one night soon im gonna have a little personal funeral for him, and get really stoned, drink too much vodka and 7-up, and scream at a football game. just like he wouldve wanted it.