starsandsmokes

... i want to feel something besides what i'm feeling right now, this horrible mixture of anger, sadness, depression, frustration, anxiety, impatience, doubt, hate for myself, hate for everyone else around me, and general loathing, i just want to feel something. i never ask anyone for anything, yet i give the world to anyone who asks, without wanting a fucking thing in return. i want so many things, be most of them simple, but i would never ask for one of them. i think about things so much that they literally make me sick to my stomach, things that make me cringe at even the slightest thought. this sitting and waiting feels like tearing a scab off so slowly that i can feel every tiny piece of skin as it's ripped apart, it's like staring at a watch and trying to see any actual movement of the minute hand. i want to feel something besides alone. i want to be the happy-go-lucky person i was before, i don't really know when it happened or why i'm not that person anymore, i just know that i'm not, all it takes is the slightest nudge to get me back on track, but then i'm derailed just as quickly as i got back on, i want a constant nudge, a constant feeling that i may be important, that i make someone feel important, that i'm happy, or make someone happy, or that i am loved, and most importantly, that i make someone feel loved. i feel like i am so far away from the one thing that i truly love, that the distance grows greater with every single minute, and that scares me so much that i feel weak when i think about it. i want so many things, but would i ever ask for a single one of them? no...


... i love you so much that it is killing me...