starr_light

Its amazing how easy it is to systematically destroy everything that's important in our lives. And even more amazing how individual choices, with seemingly limited consequence, can add up to create such chaos. White lies turn in to uncontrolable beasts that must be locked away and caged in a blink of an eye.

Its so dissapointing to realize that so many of those choices were made in order to feel wanted, loved, or to avoid lonlieness despite the cost to those that did love you, and want you, and spent time with you. And how many were simply ignoring gut instints. I'm in awe of the dependancy I've developed in my relationships with certain people and things. Should the loss of a best friend, a boyfriend, an entire harddrive and phone access in only 12 hours really be this bad?

I suppose independanly each could be dealt with...but the weight of it all is heavier than I expected. I gutess its rock bottom when your best friend, the one who loves you unconditionally has you cut you out of his life because the relationship is destructive.

I have to wonder...have I become that bad of a person? Would I be friends with me? Would I forgive me? If I was a non biased observer, where would I place the blame? Will I look back on these last few years with regret? Do I even want to change?

I guess what it really comes down to is...am I happy?

Unfourtunately

No