starlightkitten

It's so easy to go from feeling happy to feeling like complete nothing. My boyfriend of five months that I really thought I was going to be with forever (yes we got along just that well) has been getting distant and wierd over the last few days. I keep saying that I'm not going to let myself get close to people because I'll only regret it later but I keep letting it happen. I got close to Marcus, he left me for just a chance at asking one of my good friends out. Now Mike is just getting wierd on me... the only time he calls me is when he wants something or when he's on break at work and has nothing else to do. I'm trying to get a second job to bring in more money and also to take up more of my time so that I'm not sitting at home alone. I hadn't gotten to see Mike since the week before new years. Maybe me getting all excited over Valentines this year because I'm actually going to have a boyfriend was just too much. I forget that I can't get too happy or excited about anything because when that happens it all goes to complete shit. Has always happened that way since I was a little girl... talk about having a screwed up childhood. Everyone says that I'm so serious all the time and I worry too much, that I never really let go and I guess that this sort of thing is why. I'm an only child and I was an 'accident' my parents never treated me that way to my face but I never have felt quite like I belong. Nothing I ever do seems to turn out right and everything I have ever loved leaves me in some manner... death and abandonment seem to be the major ones. I don't really even have anyone that I could just call up and talk about my problems with anymore. The fact that I was an accident makes me feel like maybe I wasn't supposed to exist because everything is just this huge ordeal for me. As if I'm trying to cobble together an existance that wasn't truely meant to be.