I feel like.... I don't know. I have my days where I am ok, and kinda happy. I mean everything that is fucked in my life is there, but I don't notice it so much. Then there are days like today though.... where I am fucking falling apart at the seams. The thing is though, days like today have a cumulative effect. Lowering my permanent quality of life a little bit more each time they happen. Mainly because there aren't any overwhelmingly happy days to counteract them. There are only days where I am not sad. I need to break some of the things fucking me up, but I can't. I can't make bills and money not depressing, i can't make how long I have to go in school not depressing. The one thing I might be able to fix, I either have to find a way to hate someone I currently love and just burn away any feelings of her so she can't hurt me with her silence, or I can have faith in her and she can eventually explain it when she is ready..... I just have no way of knowing when that will be.
