Ugghhh why can't shit get easier? I am trying really hard to act like a real person and give my friend Ashley a fair shake as simply a friend. This is complicated due to a load of history including promises she made to me and the fact that I kinda fell in love with her while she was my best friends girl. Yeah, I know fucked up on that one and the fact that we almost got together while they broke up for a short time is worse... and the things that happened that he doesn't know about are even worse. I've dealt with that and don't regret it anymore. The only problem is that she never did get with me, she went back to him, and then a year or so later she dumps him for a guy she meets through WoW. So how I felt never changed but she never wanted to get back with me.
Beyond that situation it all started out because she became my best friend before she broke up with my "best-friend". There are a lot of things that go into this, one of the primary ones being that my core of friends are pretty much jackasses that do their best to put my down. Now friendly banter and back and forth is cool, but they take it to a new level, there is nothing about me that is off limits and they are probably the biggest reason over the past 10 years that I have never grown into any confidence concerning myself as a person. So when someone came along that actually cared about me for me and didn't break me down... well it felt great... and when that person then told me she had feelings for me... well that felt amazing. However hearing a year later that she was simply confused and never really had those kinda feelings for me? Well let's just say I was fragile... and she hit me with a hammer.
I have been coming to terms with all these things for the past 2 years, but it's hard when a social reject who has no ability to talk to or meet girls gets crushed this way. So it has tormented my to the point of suicide several times. The times that it wasn't destroying me it did drive me to make some changes, but those periods were short and ended up having very little effect on my overall life.
I have decided in the past few weeks that it is now time to actually make the change and I am through being in love with her and being hurt that I don't have a chance. The problem is is that I need someone to hold me to this, to help me because frankly, right now I am weak. I don't know how I am going to find this person or this system of support but I know I need to. There are things I want to do with my life and I am not doing them because I am hurting, and that's getting old.
Beyond that situation it all started out because she became my best friend before she broke up with my "best-friend". There are a lot of things that go into this, one of the primary ones being that my core of friends are pretty much jackasses that do their best to put my down. Now friendly banter and back and forth is cool, but they take it to a new level, there is nothing about me that is off limits and they are probably the biggest reason over the past 10 years that I have never grown into any confidence concerning myself as a person. So when someone came along that actually cared about me for me and didn't break me down... well it felt great... and when that person then told me she had feelings for me... well that felt amazing. However hearing a year later that she was simply confused and never really had those kinda feelings for me? Well let's just say I was fragile... and she hit me with a hammer.
I have been coming to terms with all these things for the past 2 years, but it's hard when a social reject who has no ability to talk to or meet girls gets crushed this way. So it has tormented my to the point of suicide several times. The times that it wasn't destroying me it did drive me to make some changes, but those periods were short and ended up having very little effect on my overall life.
I have decided in the past few weeks that it is now time to actually make the change and I am through being in love with her and being hurt that I don't have a chance. The problem is is that I need someone to hold me to this, to help me because frankly, right now I am weak. I don't know how I am going to find this person or this system of support but I know I need to. There are things I want to do with my life and I am not doing them because I am hurting, and that's getting old.