well, i lied. i found a way to acsess SG at my mom's and erase the history so she isn't apalled that i look at "porn" and associate with "pornographer types" so here is an update. as soon as next month rolls around i am getting my "brian" tattoo covered up - i already have the design pretty much planned out - i'm going to draw it myself, i think, so that it's a little imperfect and cute, like me.
one day left on my out-patient treatment - they've put me on lithium again and i'm afraid i'll gain weight so it's seriously back to the diet and gym big time. i'm pretty happy with my body but would be happier with a little less of it in some places
right now i just feel sick to my stomach - maybe too many tacos at buy-one-get-one-free night with my dad. actually had a good time with him - he actually spent time talking about ME and MY interests which was quite a switch from his usual slef-absorbed talk and behavior. we actually bonded - maybe that's why i'm sick to my stomach. 
the ex is "babysitting" me tonight as i'm not allowed to stay by myself and not allowed back into my own home yet. sigh. od and everyone freaks out. and for a very good reason. but it was very impulsive and very not me. i'm shaky but doing much better now. it was just a one night too much crying too many hurts from the ex and too many pills kind of thing. over and done with. i'll be the first to stand up and admit it was stupid but at least it served the purpose of getting my bipolar the attention it so desperately needed. so i'm finding a new psychiatrist and possibly a new therapist (again). but i'm definetely not giving up on the fight to beat this bipolar thing. it may try to take over my life and has partially succeeded but i'm not going to let it. i've just got to get a little more aggressive with it, but that's fine. and i can't let up for a second, like i did. everyday is a struggle and a challenge and a fight for me but i'm here for a reason and goddammit i'm gonna stay here!
end rant. it's just my survial instinct kicking in. and more than survival; i'm gonna thrive. i gave up my long time dream of becoming a tattoo artist to become a piercer and that fell through but now i think i'm going to buy some drawing supplies and start taking some classes ane work on getting an apprenticeship within the next year or two. i have artistic talent - not as much as brian but different than his too - and i don't think i hsould have given up my dream so easily. so, after a while i'll post some of my drawings when i start to get good - 'cause i will. i know it. i'd much rather tattoo than pierce - it's always been my bed-budddy but i thought i didn't have the talent. i showed brian my work and talked to him tonight and we agreed that i'd get drawing again. i'm excited to be heading in a new but awesome direction. i know that due to the fac that i'm a woman some people will perceive that as a handicap and i'm bipolar but i believe in myself. and that's the first step.
ok, now i'm really done.
one day left on my out-patient treatment - they've put me on lithium again and i'm afraid i'll gain weight so it's seriously back to the diet and gym big time. i'm pretty happy with my body but would be happier with a little less of it in some places
right now i just feel sick to my stomach - maybe too many tacos at buy-one-get-one-free night with my dad. actually had a good time with him - he actually spent time talking about ME and MY interests which was quite a switch from his usual slef-absorbed talk and behavior. we actually bonded - maybe that's why i'm sick to my stomach.
the ex is "babysitting" me tonight as i'm not allowed to stay by myself and not allowed back into my own home yet. sigh. od and everyone freaks out. and for a very good reason. but it was very impulsive and very not me. i'm shaky but doing much better now. it was just a one night too much crying too many hurts from the ex and too many pills kind of thing. over and done with. i'll be the first to stand up and admit it was stupid but at least it served the purpose of getting my bipolar the attention it so desperately needed. so i'm finding a new psychiatrist and possibly a new therapist (again). but i'm definetely not giving up on the fight to beat this bipolar thing. it may try to take over my life and has partially succeeded but i'm not going to let it. i've just got to get a little more aggressive with it, but that's fine. and i can't let up for a second, like i did. everyday is a struggle and a challenge and a fight for me but i'm here for a reason and goddammit i'm gonna stay here!
end rant. it's just my survial instinct kicking in. and more than survival; i'm gonna thrive. i gave up my long time dream of becoming a tattoo artist to become a piercer and that fell through but now i think i'm going to buy some drawing supplies and start taking some classes ane work on getting an apprenticeship within the next year or two. i have artistic talent - not as much as brian but different than his too - and i don't think i hsould have given up my dream so easily. so, after a while i'll post some of my drawings when i start to get good - 'cause i will. i know it. i'd much rather tattoo than pierce - it's always been my bed-budddy but i thought i didn't have the talent. i showed brian my work and talked to him tonight and we agreed that i'd get drawing again. i'm excited to be heading in a new but awesome direction. i know that due to the fac that i'm a woman some people will perceive that as a handicap and i'm bipolar but i believe in myself. and that's the first step.
ok, now i'm really done.
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
I am glad to hear that problems have been addressed, although I wish that you hadn't had to go through this hopefully good things will come out of it. It's scary to go through shit alone sometimes, I've had instances in my life where I just didn't feel like I coud be alone with myself anymore, I couldn't take hurting anymore, it is a humbling and scary time, but I have grown from these times. I am not proud of my lowest moments, but everyone has to have them to learn the importance of perseverence.
I think it is good that you want to start drawing again, not only because it is something that you really want to do, but also because any kind of creative outlet can be positive and theraputic! I know, it's corny, but stick with your dreams, I almost gave up mine b/c I didn't think I could do anything with a writing degree, and then i realized that I would rather be happy with my life than teaching the lord of the flies to high schoolers for the rest of my life....be good to yourself, take care of yourself and above all else, always stand up for yourself!
i can't wait to see your drawings online. i'm SO impressed that you're dealing with the bi-polar diagnosis in a resposible way. i am amazed at your backbone and your intelligence. rock on.
please again forgive my late response.