starfior

I think that banging my head against a wall is a good idea about now. I really do.

I'm truly fucking miserable. I had things I meant to do today. I really did. Important things? Not really. Cleaning shit. Going to the DMV. Did I do any of it? No. And why you might ask? Lack of time? Sort of. I also just didn't feel like moving for most of the day.

I want to build something. The something I want to build costs money that I have but I cannot spend because I plan to build something else with it. The world sucks like that some times.

I need to get away and can't. I need to just pack up my shit and leave for a few days. No forwarding address, no cell phone, no internet. Nothing. I just need to go camping or something buy myself in the middle of no where. Or grab the grand in cash that's in my room and just start driving.

What keeps me here. Responsibility. That grand is for a car. I know that. The rest of my money is to make sure I can afford an appartment and food and such when I move out at the end of August. Responsibility is a social disease. It's what keeps me at work when people walk out. It's what makes me cover shifts that I don't want to cover because no one else will. Because I need the money for my other responsibilities.

I fear working a job I hate because I have to, and that's exactly what I'm doing.

I want to be paid to do what I love doing. I want to be paid to work on my projects.

If I weren't so fucking poor at math I'd have gone to school for engineering. Everyone knew that was what I should do since I was young. "Be an architect." "Be an engineer" I liked those ideas. Architect is a noble profession, but most of them spend their lives redrawing ranch homes and filling in lines on a CAD machine. And engineering? Well... I was a straight C student in math no matter how hard I tried. And once I realized that , I just stopped trying. Still got Cs.

I hate this shit.