starchild228

Completely new revelations from my Mother. Our relationship is distant now because for about 14 years, things have been rocky. A lot of it was stress, some of it was depression, some of it was misdirected anger at my father... since I look and sound and act a lot like him, I was a handy target. She stopped just short of leaving physical bruises on me as a kid, until I got big enough that she couldn't intimidate me physically anymore. At about the age of fourteen I made it clear if she hit me again she would get an outright brawl. So she quit hitting me. The verbal abuse and incessant criticism didn't stop though, until I'd reached another breaking point. That was about 5 months ago. I was sick of trying to live my life while under her unerringly critical eye. So... I quit going to see her. I stopped telling her about what was going on in my life. I would very rarely answer her phone calls. At the same time, I made some serious decisions without as much as mentioning them to her... making it clear that I don't need her usually unsolicited advice. Well, a week ago, I got the chance to talk to her and tell her how I felt, and how what she had done in the past still hurts me today. I was honest and open with her, and it got very emotional. I told her flat out that I didn't visit because I wanted to stay away from the fighting. She told me that she has really been working on her anger problem and her tendancy to be critical. She realized how negative she can be, and didn't like it. She's actively trying to change. I can tell a difference, I'm seeing a lot more of her sweeter side. Now I can tell that she wants to be close again, just like that. That's not how it works, though. I need to know my emotions are safe with her, and rebuilding that kind of trust takes time. However, this is amazing progress. 5 months ago I was afraid I was going to have to cut her completely out of my life just to stay sane.
I've been working hard on my own problems and flaws... doing a lot of journaling and soul-searching and psychological research. I know I'm going to be getting back into therapy next semester. I'm pretty knowledgable about what I need to do, but it will be good to get an outside perspective and a little professional guidance.
Had an early Thanksgiving at my Dad's. My Stepmom did most of the cooking, baked 5 Pies, Plus two pans of brownies She's a baking fiend! I also got to hold my little Step-Niece Mily. She's such a smiley little cutie, and she has a TON of red hair!! At 8 months, she's walking with a little support, and has gotten the hang of riding a hip. She's a little hellion, I love being around her.
Speaking of hellions, I've got kittens to corral! Late.