starchild228

I've made some changes in my life. I've got a long way to go. I decided to end a friendship that was toxic, despite the fact that I loved that woman like a sister. Somehow, I just knew that the relationship would only get worse, and I had to get out or go insane. I've also made the decision to spend less time around my Mother. I love my Mother very much... but we have a very complicated relationship. My childhood was hell because of her and her anger problem and controlling personality. Now, she can't physically intimidate me like she used to when I was a kid, but she can still hurt me emotionally... and she does hurt me... often. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, in her opinion I never seem to do anything right. She makes snide comments, and criticizes me incessantly. Around every three months, like clockwork, she absolutely blows up at me, treats me like shit, screams and yells, and says awful things to me. Then, a day or so later, she acts like nothing happened. No apology, no acknowledgement that she did anything wrong. I've talked to her woman-to-woman and told her to back off. She won't. I've even tried out-screaming her. I learned that I CAN out-scream her... if I want to, but I don't want to have to do that. When things get down to that level, no one wins. This has been going on for close to fifteen years... and I'm through. I can't handle it anymore. I've got enough to deal with in life... I don't need that kind of pain and negativity on top of everything. So, I'm just not going to visit her like I used to. And, hey... wonder of wonders I haven't been screamed at or berated for months. I also left organized religion. I grew up in a family very active in the Christian Church. Christianity preaches love, generosity, and acceptance, but so few, particularly in my peer group, practice that. I was judged, rejected, ignored, and at times was treated cruelly by these "Good Christian" people that the church held up as examples to the rest of the world. I was very disillusioned. So, I'm not a Christian. Both of my parents fear for my immortal soul because I don't sit in a pew and listen to a sermon every Sunday. However, I have found another path that resonated with who I am. It's a solitary path, one that is sought, not pushed on you. It's a path that is not riddled with rigid rules, you are not made to feel guilty for being human. Mistakes aren't catostrophic failures, they are learning experiences. I wasn't too into self-flagellation(sp?) anyway. It is a path that encourages a deeper connection to nature, which has interested me since childhood. It also not steeped in mysogynistic dogma. Femininity is celebrated, not feared. It's Paganism- more specifically, Wicca. I know the Craft has bordered on trendy in the past decade or so, but has always fascinated me. The more I learn about it, the more I feel at home. It's fantastic. A lot of major changes... and I've only just begun