starbelliedboy

Ugh. So I'd been doing alright for a while. I'd been getting out, not as much as I'd like, but enough. I'd been getting comfortable hanging out at home when I didn't have anywhere else to be and I was feeling ok. I'd even met a couple of girls that, while not quite on par with the ol' gal, mighta done me. Mighta loved me. (Not that I'm in any way sure any of that is going to happen, but for the moment, it's still in the realm of possibility) I'd even had a bit of visual imagery that was working to block out thoughts of her. But it all broke down, and in the past week or so, it's been a lot of that. A lot of nostalgia. Forgetting the horrible things she did to me, and only really remembering the happiness we had. It got to the point where I wrote her a letter that I was thinking of sending her in a month or two when the summer's over and her needs once again become realistic. Basically, I love you, no one else can love you like I did, you came back to me twice before, it's gotta mean something. And some other bullshit along that line. But then I remembered how she stomped on my heart after the end there. And I felt like, wait a minute, what was I thinking? So that letter gets thrown in a drawer hopefully to rot, and if she wants me back, it'd have to be on my terms and she'd have to initiate. So basically, what I'm saying is that she'd never be willing to initiate it, she'd never agree to have things any less than her way, so I guess that's over with. But hey, she's beautiful, and one of the smartest girls I've known, so if she ever gains the ability to compromise, and achieves a real understanding of love that she wants to share with me, she can be my guest. But fat chance of that ever happening. This is the way I need to think. This is how we keep the loneliness at bay. There are other girls, and although my situation makes it a little tough to meet them barring certain rare venues, I'm bound to find SOMETHING to ward away the loneliness in a way that doesn't make me feel like garbage.