I guess, now that she's given up on SG, this is now a pretty good place to blog the things I'm afraid to say on Myspace...
I've had good days and bad days with this breakup so far... This weekend has been a streak of bad ones. These poems she's been posting basically leave me alternating between feeling hurt that she wants to fuck someone else, wishing she was writing these poems about me and wondering if she actually DID write them about me and wondering if she still loves me and when she's coming back.
And I guess that really mirrors how I've felt about the whole thing in general. It's been hurting for a long time, but she was like my family, she could hurt me forever and I'd just keep on letting her, remembering the good days and hoping that they'll return. I really feel like I'm stopped up somehow. Like I've wanted to cry, just to sort of have a release but it just never comes. And I've been close, because this is really upsetting. Especially now that she's leaving SG, that makes me feel like it's really over for good. She's left pieces of herself everywhere for me to find. I mean... My life is permeated with her essence. Hers is with me, too. Half of her friends, her driver's license, her current home, hell, her sexuality, are all pretty much due to me. And it hurts that she can just cast me off like it was all nothing. She's been a part of my life for so long, and now she's gone. I mean, it's not as if I was abusive. We fought a lot near the end, but it took both of us to fight.
I should be looking for new girls. That's one of my only options to make this ok. I mean, I know it upsets me when she does the same, but then, I'm the sensitive one. I'm the one that gets hurt. I need to be ok with this or it's gonna leave me torn open and exposed for months. Honestly, she'd probably be relieved if I found someone else... Somehow, she seems to be unchanged, unhurt, just perfectly ok with this. I need someone else to make me feel like I'm special still. Like I'm not damaged somehow. But myspace is no longer a good place to meet people, and I'm too uncomfortable to meet people in person... So what options do I even have? It feels hopeless.
I still can't let go. I'm not the type that ever does. I'm still hoping that, like last time, she'll come around again when she's had her fun and remember that she loved me, and that she still can. I try to suppress this feeling because I know it leaves me most vulnerable. I can't even commit to a way of feeling. I'm too afraid of getting hurt again, so I can't seem to choose a stance on this. I can't really stand for fully moving on because I don't want to lose my chance for love with her for good (and honestly, I have no one to move on to, and odds are there won't be anybody anytime soon), but I can't just try to pursue her again because I don't think that's an option at the moment. Or maybe ever again. I suppose there's a very small chance that she'd come back around if I found the right thing to say, the right way to be, but I don't know what that is, if there even is anything I could do. And there's another feeling I get, too. That I just don't love her anymore, that I only want her because she's familiar and comfortable. But that's no more a natural state than any of the others. I love her but I don't love her. I hate her and I'm hurt by her, but I want to shower her with my affection forever. I want to leave her, but I want her to stay. Ahhhhhhhhhhh... I want this to end, it's the same awful feeling, over and over again. I wish I could just feel like, one way or another, how it is is how it's always going to be. I want her to come back and love me all the time, not just when she feels like it...
I've had good days and bad days with this breakup so far... This weekend has been a streak of bad ones. These poems she's been posting basically leave me alternating between feeling hurt that she wants to fuck someone else, wishing she was writing these poems about me and wondering if she actually DID write them about me and wondering if she still loves me and when she's coming back.
And I guess that really mirrors how I've felt about the whole thing in general. It's been hurting for a long time, but she was like my family, she could hurt me forever and I'd just keep on letting her, remembering the good days and hoping that they'll return. I really feel like I'm stopped up somehow. Like I've wanted to cry, just to sort of have a release but it just never comes. And I've been close, because this is really upsetting. Especially now that she's leaving SG, that makes me feel like it's really over for good. She's left pieces of herself everywhere for me to find. I mean... My life is permeated with her essence. Hers is with me, too. Half of her friends, her driver's license, her current home, hell, her sexuality, are all pretty much due to me. And it hurts that she can just cast me off like it was all nothing. She's been a part of my life for so long, and now she's gone. I mean, it's not as if I was abusive. We fought a lot near the end, but it took both of us to fight.
I should be looking for new girls. That's one of my only options to make this ok. I mean, I know it upsets me when she does the same, but then, I'm the sensitive one. I'm the one that gets hurt. I need to be ok with this or it's gonna leave me torn open and exposed for months. Honestly, she'd probably be relieved if I found someone else... Somehow, she seems to be unchanged, unhurt, just perfectly ok with this. I need someone else to make me feel like I'm special still. Like I'm not damaged somehow. But myspace is no longer a good place to meet people, and I'm too uncomfortable to meet people in person... So what options do I even have? It feels hopeless.
I still can't let go. I'm not the type that ever does. I'm still hoping that, like last time, she'll come around again when she's had her fun and remember that she loved me, and that she still can. I try to suppress this feeling because I know it leaves me most vulnerable. I can't even commit to a way of feeling. I'm too afraid of getting hurt again, so I can't seem to choose a stance on this. I can't really stand for fully moving on because I don't want to lose my chance for love with her for good (and honestly, I have no one to move on to, and odds are there won't be anybody anytime soon), but I can't just try to pursue her again because I don't think that's an option at the moment. Or maybe ever again. I suppose there's a very small chance that she'd come back around if I found the right thing to say, the right way to be, but I don't know what that is, if there even is anything I could do. And there's another feeling I get, too. That I just don't love her anymore, that I only want her because she's familiar and comfortable. But that's no more a natural state than any of the others. I love her but I don't love her. I hate her and I'm hurt by her, but I want to shower her with my affection forever. I want to leave her, but I want her to stay. Ahhhhhhhhhhh... I want this to end, it's the same awful feeling, over and over again. I wish I could just feel like, one way or another, how it is is how it's always going to be. I want her to come back and love me all the time, not just when she feels like it...
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the only reason i'm able to go to the s-k show is because someone else bought my ticket for me (i only have about $30 to my name at the moment.) so yeah, i wasn't planning on going to the rainer maria show. that might change though if i hear back from any of the millions of applications i filled out and i actually get a job. i'll have to let ya know.