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So as you guys know I graduated college yesterday!

If you’ve been following me since the beginning of my SG journey, you know all about my school struggle. But for those who haven’t, I started out in nursing and I went year round for 3 years. I burnt out in 2015 and I went through getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression after a suicide attempt. I tried changing my major but I couldn’t focus on studying or learning and it caused me to drop out of college. For 3 years I never wanted to go back because I was scared I couldn’t make it through a program while balancing work, social life, and having this demon making me think I wasn’t ever going to amount to anything. For me, bipolar disorder tricked me into thinking I wasn’t smart enough for school, I wasn’t pretty enough for SG, I wasn’t good enough for friends, I wasn’t well enough to help someone else, I couldn’t work hard enough to succeed, and that I was lazy, below average, and I had days I couldn’t get out of bed.

But I never stopped fighting somewhere inside..

It took me 3 years to get in a headspace where I hungered to learn for myself. I wanted to finish college for myself. I wanted to be something for myself. I wanted to prove something to myself. When I got my phlebotomy program acceptance letter, those old thoughts came rolling in. Balancing school and work was challenging. I was the only one in my class working full time, so when those tests started rolling in weekly, I didn’t have anyone to turn to for advice on how to study for the class, balence work, and take care of myself properly. I brought my backpack everywhere with me. My boyfriend would read my flash cards to me when I drove. My coeworkers let me practice tying tourniquets on them, and I’d try to teach them what I learned in class to keep me on my toes. So I found myself not looking for advice on how to do what I needed to do, I just did it with the help of others in my life.

Then came clinicals. I got another freak out of, ‘now how am I going to balance 2 full time jobs?’ I had clinicals 6:30am every weekday, and 40 hours at work. Three 75 hour work weeks. So somehow I managed to be up at 6am leave clinicals at 3, to be at work at 4, close there by 10 or 11 and go home just to prepare myself to do it all over again the next day. And I’ve never been so tired in my life. It wasn’t an easy 3 weeks, I only had one full off day in that time, but I made it through that, too.

Then graduation was so special. I studied and worked my ass off to make it as did all the other people in my class. At the ceremony, they announced they were doing an award for the highest gpa. We were a fairly small class so I didn’t even know we had a valedictorian. And I can’t explain how incredible it was that that person was me. Me who had been out of school for 3 years. Me who thought for soooo long I’d just have to live with the stigma of being a college drop out. Me who worked as a restaurant manager, thinking I’d get average grades since my schedule was extremely demanding. I was just excited to finish with an A average after being out of school for such an extended period of time. I’m not #1 at many things, and that moment made me want to succeed at even more things and stop selling myself short. Like I really did that shit! I’m still shocked about it.

Now what’s next for me? I still want to complete my nursing degree one day, for sure. As for now, my next goal really is to shoot a front page set. SG has been a constant for me. This is the only thing I’ve never left or gave up on. Even when I felt I wasn’t going to get anywhere with it. I just can’t go when this community has uplifted me through all of this and more. I’ve opened up about my personal struggles here quite a few times and the members here have been there for me for YEARS. So to tell you good news is like telling my own family and friends anything.

So thank you yet again, SG. I really hope you feel this victory with me because I got so many words of encouragement when I was in school and so many messages from you all. Here’s to the next adventure we go on together! 🍾

Sincerely,

StarStuff 🌟