First, I want to thank all of you for you sweet messages and checking up on me from that depressing blog I wrote in January. It means so much to have people give a shit.
I am doing so much better! I was so broken that I couldn't glue old pieces of myself back together, I had to recreate myself completely, and I feel truly lucky to have had that opportunity. Now, my only goal as a person is to grow and be ever better than the person I was when I wrote this:
I'm no longer spending my days strung out trying to escape from my thoughts and fears by abusing drugs and alcohol. I went completely cold turkey for 4.5 weeks and tonight I had my first shot to celebrate my progress. After a month of really getting to know myself and visualizing the woman I want to be, I no longer want to binge. I've learned to really, truly love who I currently am and continually becoming and also to treat myself with the respect, consideration, and care I deserve. It's so lovely not to hate alone time, I enjoy my own company. I use it to work on myself.
I don't feel like a hollow, empty shell of a person. I'm back on my bipolar medication. I've been so clear headed now that I'm not having to differentiate between myself and the disease constantly. It's such a tricky illness. When you're manic, you have this false sense that everything is perfect and your judgment gets so impaired and out of control that you crash into a deep depression that feels like a monster is sitting over your shoulder feeding on any positive energy you dare to feel. Manic episodes deceive you into thinking you're doing just fine and makes it impossible to admit you need help. You become reckless and stop caring when you hurt yourself, it can be just as dangerous as depression. In my depressive episodes I used to feel so paranoid that I'd drive my friends away and that they didn't really want to be around me, so I would force myself out of bed to go out, but I'd get overstimulated and easily irritated. But that was all in my head, my close friends have stuck by me and are so proud of my improvement. Some have tested my will power, and I've learned to say no. I don't miss the days where I couldn't focus on the easiest of tasks, not being able to get out of bed, and losing interest in things I once enjoyed.
I still want to be happy, but my flaw is still having trouble with internal verses external happiness. I still feel as if I'm one of those people who creates happiness for others, but can't feel it. In my last blog I said that I didn't want it for it was too dangerous for me to have and lose, but I don't want to miss out on bliss due to fear. I feel content inside, but the only time I truly feel happy is when I'm doing things for other people, or have someone special to be with.
Speaking of relationships, I'm no longer on the fence about them. The last person I let in broke me so badly, as you can recall. Despite that, I've learned so much about myself and what I want as I stopped tying to stitch myself back together but instead become someone more pure than I ever thought I could be. You can get over old flames more quickly if you just let yourself feel what you feel. If you don't, those feelings will resurface and manifest themselves in ugly ways. I'm still not actively looking for anything, but I am open to giving someone who really deserves me and what I have to offer a chance. I know now to be careful, patient, and wise with my love. Maybe I will be broken again, but if I could make it though the last heartbreak and come out stronger than I've ever been, I can get through whatever life throws at me to mold me into a better person. I have hope that one day I'll be blogging about about how someone spoils me and appreciates me just as much as I do them. I have hope that one day I'll be writing about an unreal, spectacular love rather than an unreal, gut wrenching heartbreak. I find myself with tools to get back out there and attract a love I deserve.
I do thank the last person who broke my heart for doing so, because I wouldn't have gone on this journey that led me to come to turns with my mental illness that was running my life without me realizing it. I've never hit rock bottom as hard in my entire life as I did in the past several months. I think it was destiny for him to destroy me so I could be a better version of who I wanted to be. Sometimes you have to know how low you can absolutely be, so you treasure yourself when you are the best possible edition of yourself. I don't give them credit for who I am now, though. I did this on my own. I healed on my own. I rebuilt myself on my own. I became strong on my own. I became brave on my own.
Let's stop investing our time on people who don't appreciate us. Let's smile at the great memories they created in our lives, but move on and make room for someone who wants to put in the time and effort to build a partnership that a fairytale would be plagiarized from.
I've been working really hard and getting overtime, so my financial situation that used to scare me seems more manageable now. I've learned it's ok to ask for help. There's no shame in admitting you need a little aide.
For a long time, I lost my desire to shoot, but now I want to get reacquainted with my favorite hobby. I have plans to go on mini shoot Thursday, and it's definitely time to do a new SG set. I still want to do a multi more than anything. Nothing is holding me back from improving my modeling, I know I can do better work than I've put out. I'm excited to give it a real chance.
Thanks for listening again!
Love,
StarStuff
And a cheeky photo to end a long blog ☺
