Hello! I'm sorry I haven't been active lately. I started my big girl job a couple weeks ago and I've been getting adjusted to working 6 days a week, and all nights at that. I hope you all are truly doing well. I'll be answering my mail soon, I'm sorry for the late replies.
I've always felt SG has been a safe place to open up, and I've had so much on my mind lately. I haven't been eating and sleeping again lately. Last month it was because I got my heart absolutely torn apart (my own fault for thinking I could have someone to spoil) but my depression is back and the worst I have ever experienced since I've tried to commit suicide about 4-5 years ago. I've been watching myself go in a downward spiral accompanied by drugs and alcohol. But every day I just want to be better.
I've been stressing about my financial situation. I have 10k in student loans to pay, I got my first traffic ticket ever a week ago, I have crippling credit card debt that has accumulated from life expences, my car insurance is about to be cancelled since I'm so behind in my payments, and I've been trying to stay on top of everything. I work my ass off at work, and I'm glad I love my job. Life has been sending me set back after set back, and I sure could use a win.
I've been going out with my friends a lot and I've been meeting new people, but majority of them are absolute evil souls and it just makes me want to be a sweeter, more loving person. But I just feel so broken and a hollow shell of a person inside and it's gotten hard to put on the smile I wear so people feel good when they come around me. Life is feeding off the energy I need to be the person I want to be for everyone and myself included.
I have been thinking that some people give happiness, some people get happiness, and some people are lucky enough to have both of those aspects in their lives. I know this may not be true, but I think I'm one of those people who only exists to make other people happy because I can't have happiness. And honestly, sometimes I don't want it. I feel happiness is the worst drug I've overdosed on and when it's gone I do nothing but things that destroy me inside. I don't want to be miserable either. I have inner happiness and inner love, but I'm missing the outer happiness I crave so desperately deep down and it's just a void that's so apparent since someone came in my life, filled it, and left...
I know I can't rely on other people to make me happy, but let's just admit other people do cause us to have emotions, both positive and negative. Everyone we let in has an impact on our lives. I'm such a sensitive person where someone's impact is not only mental, but physical. I've been losing weight rapidly, and my friends and coeworkers have been seeing me getting smaller, not realizing I'm shutting down and wasting away.
I have so many people being sweet to me and messaging me everyday, but none of them know me for me, and sometimes 'good morning beautiful' texts make me feel so low because all they see is how I look and none of them know my soul, and I know I can't get angry for them not getting to know me because I don't want to let anyone in. I used to want to be in a relationship and give someone my heart and soul, but the more I travel on this route, the more I want to be left alone. And sometimes I tell people upfront I'm not interested and don't want to waste their time, but they continue to try to make me their woman, and I just feel like my wants don't matter to them.
But there's one person who my mind always comes to and I keep opening that wound even though it's not worth the stress and tears. I felt such an intense fire and passion to share all of myself when we were "together" and everything was just seeming to fall into place. I know they don't have feelings for me anymore, and I don't even really know their soul well since we had such a short time in each other's lives, so I feel I'm a hypocrite in that since of not knowing them well. But I still can't seem to feel how I feel about him with anyone else. And sometimes I move on from him, I know he doesn't give a damn about me, but my thoughts of him are slowly killing the part of me that wants a relationship and love, and he has no idea how his sudden disappearance from my life has deeply cut me. It was such a mind fuck to have someone I wanted to be with give a fuck about how I was, wanting to spend time with me, and enjoying my company, to nothing. It was so long since I wanted to let anyone in; I got a taste of what I wanted for so long, and now I don't want anyone else to come in and make me feel the way he did because the aftermath of the ending is too severe.
At the beginning of the year, my resolution was to not get my heartbroken this year, but I go back and forth through the motions of not wanting to let the experience make me closed hearted, but also not wanting to be open to something new. But I've been honest with myself and I know I can do right by someone, I just don't have the mental strength to make it through another disappointment in good health. I don't want to chance it. I'm tired of wondering why I'm not good enough for one person when others would love a chance to be with me, and wondering why the person my heart wants doesn't see my value everyone else seems to be so infatuated with. I just don't feel the same about any of them and I wish I could, but you can't force things. And my self love makes me realize I shouldn't pine over someone who doesn't even want me or treats me the way I should be treated, I just had all this kindness and love to give, and I guess they didn't want it. And that's ok, they have the right to do what's best for them in their life.
I've been trying to make everyone around me happy. I just want everyone I encounter to smile. I just really care about people. When I ask someone how they are, I really want to know. When I tell someone they can call if I can ever do anything for them, I will do what I can for them. If someone needs to vent, I will listen. If someone is hurting, I will be their rock. If someone is hungry, I will give them my last meal. If someone needs a ride, I will push back my plans so they can be where they need to be. If someone needs a friend, I will stick by them and lift them up. I will give the clothes off my back if someone needed something to wear. I don't care if I've known the person for 2 seconds, 2 weeks, 2 years. That's the type of person I want to be and I exercise being the person who is truly a light in a dark world every opportunity I get, and yes, it comes with a small price of people taking advantage of me. And honestly, I don't mind because maybe someone needed a little extra something in that moment of their lives. I've just been treated like shit enough in my life where I see the person the world is trying to mold me into, and I want to humbly be as earthreal as I can genuinely be.
When I feel at my lowest, I always come to read your comments and messages to me. I have messages from some of you saved in my phone because your words have power and I need the joy it brings (not to feel validated as a person, but to give that joy back to others) and many of you have been encouraging me for years not knowing you keep me sane, keep me grounded, and keep life from turning my soul black. Thank you for being here for me. I need this community so I can continue to be me.
And that's everything I can let out right now, I feel a little less down already. đź’ś
Love,
StarStuff 🌟
