As you all undoubtedly already know, next week the Roman Catholic Church will convene a meeting of Bishops from around the world to discuss issues - both ancient and contemporary - which are of importance to the modern church. This gathering is called a “Synod”, which is a word derived from the Late Latin synodus which means “teeth together” and is also a genus of tropical and subtropical lizardfishes that look sort of like regular lizards but without legs, and also they are fish.
The Synod is expected to be seen as a referendum on the progressive policies of Pope Francis. The largely traditional and conservative group of Bishops is expected to discuss contentious issues such as homosexual marriage, premarital sex, birth control, divorce, and what specifically constitutes ‘getting to third base’.
The editors here at Standardkink have obtained an early press release concerning the decisions that will be reached next week at the Synod. Below are some of the edicts which will be handed down as well as answers to some of the most pressing questions of faith in our time.
EDICTS:
-
- Henceforth no one is allowed to make fun of the word “Synod” anymore. We are tired of the teasing. It was fun for awhile, but we don’t name these things after fish.
-
- We totally got that whole Joan of Arc thing right.
-
- Everybody who watches “Game of Thrones” has to stop acting like everybody else on the planet also watches “Game of Thrones”. It’s just a television show.
-
- You too “Breaking Bad” people. You’re just embarrassing yourselves at this point.
-
- Don’t even get us started on “Mad Men”.
-
- Everybody stop acting like you aren’t totally digging on Iggy Azalea.
-
- Martin Luther had some good points but he is still an asshole for handling the situation the way he did.
-
- Henceforth, the sportsball game knows as “futbol” is to be referred to only as “soccer”. The American sportsball game known as “football” is to be referred to only as “that racist, misogynistic, homophobic, bloodthirsty, sophomoric televised barbarism we watch instead of teaching our kids to read”.
-
- Jeff Buckley’s cover of “Hallelujah” is the only acceptable version of “Hallelujah” and all other versions are apocryphal and are to be burned.
-
- Stamps are getting way too expensive. The price just goes up all the time and we don’t like it. We don’t even know how much a stamp costs anymore.
ANSWERS:
Q: What if my copy of Rufus Wainwright’s cover of “Hallelujah” is digital?
A: Burn it.
Q: But it’s on my computer …
A: Burn your computer.
Q: So you’re telling me that Jesus wants me to light my laptop on fire?
A: Yes.
Q: Really?
A: Yeah. He told us so.
Q: What if I have the Leonard Cohen version on CD?
A: Burn it.
Q: Seriously? Leonard Cohen wrote the song. It’s his song …
A: What about this is unclear?
Q: Okay, fine. I have burned all that stuff.
A: It took you too long.
Q: So what’s the deal with the Pope’s hats?
A: They make him feel pretty.
Q: Iron Maiden or Metallica?
A: I’m coming back I will return/And I’ll possess your body and I’ll make you burn.
Q: Pirates or ninjas?
A: Leprechauns.
Q: Edward or Jacob?
A: Edward. Obviously. Get your head out of your ass.
Q: Have you guys been on Catholic.com lately?
A: Yeah, we know, it makes the Yahoo comments section look like the Nobel Prize committee.
Q: Who shot JR?
A: Seriously? This question is more than thirty years old.
Q: PC or Mac?
A: Linux.
Q: That’s surprising.
A: We’re old school like that.
Q: Which are the seven countries being referred to in now decade-old White Stripes song “Seven Nation Army”?
A: The Unites States, Great Britain, Ireland, Denmark, Turkey, The United Arab Emirates and Burkina Faso.
Q: Really??
A: No.
Q: So one last question: did you guys just make up this whole “religion” thing as a way to explain a world that you couldn’t possibly objectively understand two or three millennia ago? And then maybe get hooked on the power of telling people what to do?
A: We didn’t make it up.
.
.
.
.