Every six months I am forced to think about my mortality.
I get to sit in a grey/green waiting room (psychologists believe green is calming, so you will find most doctors waiting rooms in this colour), surrounded by pitying yet concerned eyes, campaign posters encouraging healthy lifestyles or charities offering support. Truth is though, I am very lucky, for I do not have cancer right now but I am back to being pre-cancerous.
Every time I sit in that same waiting room, I cannot help but wonder what would have happened if I hadnt had my operation about five years ago, would I be here today?
I have a friend who irritates me to the point of fury. She insists she will never have any sort of disease testing as she would rather not know. I wonder if I had been as ignorant as her if I would be around anymore.
Please do not confuse this for a depressed moan blog and I am ever so sorry if it comes across like that as I do not mean it to. I simply think some things are not spoken about enough. Dont get me wrong, I have had my moments! I was very confused when I was first diagnosed and constructed a truly selfish yet articulate plan to finish my days on my own terms, did things ever seem they were going to end badly. I know where my uncle keeps his guns, I know a private place and I wrote notes to all the people I loved. All oh so over dramatic!
These days I think differently. And for the first time, yesterday, I was not simply thinking of myself. I was worrying far more about someone that may be worrying about me, I guess that is what love does to you, makes you less selfish. I think that is one of the things that scared me the most, that if my life had ended already, I would not have experienced the love I have been shown, given and feel today.
I am not a hundred percent sure what I am trying to say, maybe this is a simple you should live your life message, I am not sure. Some days I do feel like a ticking time bomb, like my body will simply suddenly turn against me and that it is simply a matter of time. Other days I will tell myself off for being a miserable cow but most days it will not even enter my mind and I know how lucky I am to even have that as an option.
Ignorance kills, that is what I am trying to say.
I get to sit in a grey/green waiting room (psychologists believe green is calming, so you will find most doctors waiting rooms in this colour), surrounded by pitying yet concerned eyes, campaign posters encouraging healthy lifestyles or charities offering support. Truth is though, I am very lucky, for I do not have cancer right now but I am back to being pre-cancerous.
Every time I sit in that same waiting room, I cannot help but wonder what would have happened if I hadnt had my operation about five years ago, would I be here today?
I have a friend who irritates me to the point of fury. She insists she will never have any sort of disease testing as she would rather not know. I wonder if I had been as ignorant as her if I would be around anymore.
Please do not confuse this for a depressed moan blog and I am ever so sorry if it comes across like that as I do not mean it to. I simply think some things are not spoken about enough. Dont get me wrong, I have had my moments! I was very confused when I was first diagnosed and constructed a truly selfish yet articulate plan to finish my days on my own terms, did things ever seem they were going to end badly. I know where my uncle keeps his guns, I know a private place and I wrote notes to all the people I loved. All oh so over dramatic!
These days I think differently. And for the first time, yesterday, I was not simply thinking of myself. I was worrying far more about someone that may be worrying about me, I guess that is what love does to you, makes you less selfish. I think that is one of the things that scared me the most, that if my life had ended already, I would not have experienced the love I have been shown, given and feel today.
I am not a hundred percent sure what I am trying to say, maybe this is a simple you should live your life message, I am not sure. Some days I do feel like a ticking time bomb, like my body will simply suddenly turn against me and that it is simply a matter of time. Other days I will tell myself off for being a miserable cow but most days it will not even enter my mind and I know how lucky I am to even have that as an option.
Ignorance kills, that is what I am trying to say.
VIEW 25 of 32 COMMENTS
Really good blog. I think people can see what your trying to say.