spooky520

well i did get some good news today.......my tattoo artist is going to be in the state in april. he currently lives in florida and is planning on moving back to michigan so will be making a stop in his old stomping grounds in bowling green on his way. he has set aside a whole day for me so i will be able to get my sleeve colored in and hopefully be able to touch up my back piece that was cut on from the last two surgeries. makes me sooooo happy. he is like family and i havnt seen him in over a year.

on another note.....i would like to appologize to anyone that i may have offended lately. it is not my intention of doing so.....i have no real excuse but i want everyone to know that when people are really hurting badly, they sometimes lash out at others. i am not a mean or hurtful person.....i like to think that i am the opposite of that....caring and considerate. with everything that has been happening it really has hurt me deeply and i didnt realize that affected me that much. i am still a mess but hopefully i am recovering from the worse of it....slowly maybe but i will get there. it really has been a touch and go thing lately.......really a bad state of mind. things really havent changed in my life but i have realized that i really cant do much to change alot of the stuff but i can try to put forth the effort to make a change in me.....hopefully for the better. it is still painfull watching my mom waste away to nothing and know there is absolutely nothing i can do....watch my dad battle with his own cancer and try to come to grips with my mom dying.....he is having a tough time with that the most i think. i am still in alot of pain from my own medical problems and having the doctor tell me that i will most likely have to live with the pain im in now for the rest of my life is not a help. i refuse to live by his reality of the problem and will do my best to get on with my life......pain or not. i am cutting down on my pain meds on my own (so lets hope i dont become such an ass that no one will talk to me....keep your fingers crossed). i have done this type of thing in the past where the doctors have told me one thing and i did another........i am a disabled vet....i totally destroyed my knee in a helecopter crash and was told that i would not be able to run or do alot of things without the help of a cane or some such device......years later i was running 5 miles a day and doing my martial arts so i proved that i am capable of doing things that the doctors said i wasnt. i am going to use this as something positive for myself. i did it once....i will do it again.

i have hurt some people on here that were my friends and i really am sorry for doing so....... i really am sorry but i will not ask for their friendship again till i figure i can earn. i need to be a friend to myself first. i guess it is time to go on what some would call a vision quest.....find out who and what i am. i guess thats what all this pain and depression is all about...stip me down to see who i really am. hopefully i find out i a not that bad of a person afterall.........