spooki

[.a.picture.perfect.attempt.at.a.quick.and.painless.death.]
[.came.and.meant.something.so.much.more.than.all.the.rest.]
[.hold.my.hand.and.dont.f-o-r-g-e-t.to.breathe.]
[.theres.nothing.left.for.you.]
[.theres.nothing.left.to.leave.]
[.on.three.we're.jumping.from.this.ledge.]
[.this.buildings.tall.im.sure.we'll.wake.up.dead.]
[.but.i.still.love.her.]


schools going well. come to think of it, just about everything is. yep, good times. i still dont feel all that happy sometimes. i dont think anybody does. but. ive been eating and taking good care of myself. i managed to find some good motivation for that. its easy when its right in front of you. [.it.hit.me.ive.got.everything.i.need.] not everything is all mopey though. the only time i really feel like that is when i reminisce or go digging in other peoples business. but you know. hard to let go. but im realizing that those feelings are unnecessary and i cant keep blaming myself for the way things turned out. yea, i should've held back realizing that this was always going to happen. and for that, ive appologized repeatedly, even though im not the only one to blame. it has occured to me that maybe other people really do make decisions on their own. and maybe its okay for people to get hurt. the sweet in the sour. [.and.i.know.sour... which.allows.me.to.*appreciate*.the.sweet.] *shrugs* something like that anyway. im feeling better about that and i think the more i stay away from it, the better ill feel. and then someday it will be easier and i wont have to hate myself for it anymore. i think that ill gather up my past today. let steve look through it later. and then hide it from myself in the infinite abyss. i always end up digging through old relationships and friendships and other things i managed to screw up and feeling bad for something that doesnt really even matter anymore. i hardly ever bothered saving the good memories from them so the only thing left to do is point out what i did wrong and im not even learning from it. thats much too constructive for me. but yea. letting go is good. and im definately ready for that. ive already managed to let go of most of my hard feelings and being angry and all the bitterness i used to have... at least towards my friends. but i dunno. anymore i guess id rather just have fun. and tell people to fuck off if theyre bringing me down. that was kind of blunt. im almost tired of being such a snob too. [.but.its.so.much.fun.] i started being that way to try and weed out my slutty friends so i didnt have to worry about them sleeping with my boyfriend but i havent dated a guy that would even go for that in a few years and its just not necessary to be such a bitch anymore. and its definately not necessary to be so jealous all the time. i hate that. you know when youre hanging out with a guy friend or you just met someone new and theres this weird creepy tension in the room because his girlfriend is like visualizing your death? yea. ive been that girl. and its hard not to be her because i find something so funny in realizing that you can say something so terrible without uttering a word. thats not really healthy for a relationship though... ill try to keep that to a minimum. but anyways. im done being thoughtful.