today is my last day of college. i give my capstone presentation tonight. im super depressed about it. someone had a good analogy: "Having a "surprise" graduation is like someone running a race but they aren't told where the finish line is; suddenly they are told they're done and they didn't even have a chance to enjoy their approach to the finish line." i guess you could say this is my quarter life crisis. i have absolutely no money, i live with my parents who would much rather have me move out, and i am very much not looking forward to working a dead end job for shit pay everyday now.
i don't feel like i have friends. I have Tom but no group that i can regularly hang with. i see pictures of other people my age, living with friends and being wacky young adults and it makes me so jealous. ill still be able to go to the studio at school to use the space and tools to keep painting (thank god/jack!) but i am worried it will become like the gym where i am just too tired from a week of working and don't feel like driving way out there and the lack of motivation keeps me from doing anything. i might be able to get a teaching credential in a year or so and become a full time tutor but that's also something that i really don't want to do, it's just a way to make money.
i went to the mall yesterday with my sister and almost cried while walking through H&M because there were so many things i wanted but i couldn't afford them and i had no idea when i ever will be able to again. (plus there was next to nothing in my size) and even if i could afford them right now, i dont have friends to go out with or any reason to wear nice new things (except for the tutoring thing) so i figured i might as well just shlup around it tattered, dirty, old, ill fitting crap from now on. and just wear whatever blah sweater i get for christmas to tutoring.
i cried myself to sleep last night because of all this. I realized that i will probably never see the few friends that i managed to make at school again. i didn't even have a proper goodbye with my art buddy and best of college friend, just a smoke and a see ya later as if we'd be in class tomorrow....but we wont.
this morning i woke up to find an envelope addressed to me on the kitchen counter. my mom had given me a card and a check for 80 bucks. it was the sweetest thing in the world. my parents don't have any money either and they really shouldn't have given so much to me. the card said something like "congratulations on graduating.....and use this to fill up you car and take tom out to lunch" i cried again. just filling my gas tank and being able to take Tom out to lunch are the very simple sort of things that i want to do and can't.
i got my paycheck today (yay direct deposit) the vast majority of it is gonna go to the court house. i filled my tank up half way. and i think i might get some chocolate chips to bake cookies.
i am mostly making gifts this year. i don't know what to do for my mom and dad. my mom wanted me to draw things, coloring book style, so she could use them for her class. but my sister already bought her coloring books i guess. i was thinking about painting my dad something, watercolor and pen is what he seems to really like, but i am afraid of screwing it up (ive never been much of a watercolorist) i was going to give hi the bronze anchor i was making in class, but those never got poured and i hope no one throws my investments out as Matt said i could come visit and pour them next semester
i don't feel like i have friends. I have Tom but no group that i can regularly hang with. i see pictures of other people my age, living with friends and being wacky young adults and it makes me so jealous. ill still be able to go to the studio at school to use the space and tools to keep painting (thank god/jack!) but i am worried it will become like the gym where i am just too tired from a week of working and don't feel like driving way out there and the lack of motivation keeps me from doing anything. i might be able to get a teaching credential in a year or so and become a full time tutor but that's also something that i really don't want to do, it's just a way to make money.
i went to the mall yesterday with my sister and almost cried while walking through H&M because there were so many things i wanted but i couldn't afford them and i had no idea when i ever will be able to again. (plus there was next to nothing in my size) and even if i could afford them right now, i dont have friends to go out with or any reason to wear nice new things (except for the tutoring thing) so i figured i might as well just shlup around it tattered, dirty, old, ill fitting crap from now on. and just wear whatever blah sweater i get for christmas to tutoring.
i cried myself to sleep last night because of all this. I realized that i will probably never see the few friends that i managed to make at school again. i didn't even have a proper goodbye with my art buddy and best of college friend, just a smoke and a see ya later as if we'd be in class tomorrow....but we wont.
this morning i woke up to find an envelope addressed to me on the kitchen counter. my mom had given me a card and a check for 80 bucks. it was the sweetest thing in the world. my parents don't have any money either and they really shouldn't have given so much to me. the card said something like "congratulations on graduating.....and use this to fill up you car and take tom out to lunch" i cried again. just filling my gas tank and being able to take Tom out to lunch are the very simple sort of things that i want to do and can't.
i got my paycheck today (yay direct deposit) the vast majority of it is gonna go to the court house. i filled my tank up half way. and i think i might get some chocolate chips to bake cookies.
i am mostly making gifts this year. i don't know what to do for my mom and dad. my mom wanted me to draw things, coloring book style, so she could use them for her class. but my sister already bought her coloring books i guess. i was thinking about painting my dad something, watercolor and pen is what he seems to really like, but i am afraid of screwing it up (ive never been much of a watercolorist) i was going to give hi the bronze anchor i was making in class, but those never got poured and i hope no one throws my investments out as Matt said i could come visit and pour them next semester
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I kind of had one of those - they office informed me I had more than enough credits and should fill out the application for graduation (oh look, they're already here at the office waiting).
Here's to better opportunities in 2012.