spazzing

i want a female friend. like one i can chat with all the time. i don't even need one irl (though it would be great) but i just want an internet one to chat with all the time. It's understandable of course that only guys ever hit me up and chat with me on skype or talk with me on here. and yes there are you few ladies who do comment on my blogs and stuff, but aside from being in chat and talking to what ever girl might be there, i never have real conversations with girls. when im on the girls only group i always see girls talking to each other like they know each other and stand up for each other. im generally ignored....which is probably cuz i have a tendency to say stupid stuff.......i dunno, i guess if some girl were to hit me up to chat i wouldn't really even know what to talk about unless they initiate everything at first (like the guys). but i just want to be able to talk to a girl, as if they will offer a different perspective. it doesn't help that i am usually so prejudice or hesitant with other girls, as if they are all bitches or don't get my humor. i know that's not true. i know i can't force a friendship. the only female friends i seem to have, i hardly ever get to hang out with. There's like one girl i consider a real friend these days. and then theres my friend from school, we hang out all the time in painting class and i guess you could consider her my best friend right now (though im totally not her best friend, she has a million friends) and im really sad cuz once i graduate this december, im probably never gonna see her again. i probably have a lot more female friends or potential for friendships than i realize and am just being a cry baby. i just can't initiate anything and assume that all girls don't like me.

uhg, i dont know what i am talking about anymore....

anyways

i had a really sad dream last night. i woke up crying and my mind couldn't stop thinking about it. molly, rowdie, and tom all got caught in the cross fire of some shootout in a store. i woke up while sitting at Tom's bedside telling him "I love you" for the first time. he was still alive but just barley and was obviously gonna die any minute. and i knew i still had to go find molly and rowdie