spacepod

i didn't quite bother with resolutions this new years eve, not any that i carved to stone, but the few ideas floating in my mind seem to be coming true. not that the execution is going as planned or imagined, but i am holding true to my vision. i decided to stop being walked on by my lover and i left her physically this month. mentally she left me long ago. it wasn't meant to be. i cheated not but am berated as though i had strayed and crossed that line, the opposite is true and it was devastating.
which now leads me to another resolution, which was to reach out and make contact with strangers that put their thoughts out for all to see, instead of just observing and wondering. i've spent a lot of years just observing, thinking i would avoid the bits of drama, but that isn't living to just observe. so why not put these thoughts out and see if it means anything to anyone? joining this site was causing turmoil within myself. feeling as though i had betrayed all the strong women and feminists I've known by putting myself on public display on a "porn" site. after much fighting with myself, I feel justified. It is celebrating the beauty of the female form and mind, straying from the traditional idea of beauty and how it should be expressed. as long as there are hormones traversing my blood and i am alive I will have that attraction. this site differs from "porn" in that it has the eye candy which instinctively drew me, but that alone wouldn't keep me coming back, its the intelligent conversing and opportunity to share, debate, tease, meet, flirt, argue, etc. that makes it a positive space that i feel is worth my time. i find myself trying to put more of myself into the "space."

"to deny our desires is to deny what makes us human" - this is a quote from the matrix that really struck a chord within me..

that said, my other resolution was to make contact with a writer/photographer that, through her online journal, awoke the dreamer in me. I assure you I was a perfect gentleman, it was like meeting a rock star. It made my day to let someone know that they had a positive impact on a complete stranger and she reciprocated with the good vibe.

mind you that in person, I am quite shy, and all these thoughts don't materialize into speech very often, so if you meet me and i'm reserved and quiet, that is why. so glad I can type at least.

I feel good, and i wish you all the same.

playlist tonight: Seam - The Problem with Me
Mirah - You think its like this but its really like this
and of course, some classic rock, sweet sweet classic rock. hack, snort.