sovereign

I'm a bit troubled.

My past is coming back to haunt me once again.. that boy i was to marry... the one who i had buried long ago with every memory of portland that i could ever have... reappeared. Oddly enough i was told by friend that she had seen him at the swift lounge, and had mentioned to him that i was moving back. To which he replied "that wench moves to my town she's dead"

I was in utter shock. here I was trying to be peaceful and not cross paths with the kid and he was making threats upon my life. I'm not one to sit around and let a person say such things but i held it in.. I wrote him a message saying that i found it sad that he still was angry even after a year of no communication. I told him that I had no harsh feelings towards him and that he had the right to remain angry at me.. I called him out on those horrid words and told him that i was not afraid of him. told him that i would not let him get in the way of my life and that i was NOT moving back bc of him. I expected an angry reply but instead got a sad reply. He stated he stopped caring and that he had no harsh feelings bc it had been my choice and that yes he had said that phrase and it had been bc he could at the time. he treated me as if i was a child. I say that this message was sad bc I knew this man for 4 years of my life, I knew him like the back of my hand and i knew he was pretending to not be hurt.

At the end of the message he stated to me, that he had realized that he never loved me and had stopped caring. I immediately knew that this was a lie. you see, he cried to me when i had to tell him i had moved on a year ago, this boy gave up everything to move back, and even got us our lyric tattoos together..we were engaged... I had been so in love with him and i knew he had always been too regardless of what he was telling me now. I sympathized, i had broke his heart in the past but what was i to do? I could not sit there and keep pretending that we had not fallen apart...

I sat there and read his messages each one with a facade of strength and the 'idgaf' attitude. I smiled though. All i wanted was peace with him and if it meant that i would pretend to believe what he was saying now in order to have civil peace then i would play along. Afterwards he continued to tell me about his life his passions almost as if two friends were catching up, I didn't know that to really say other then to praise his hard work.

The conversation ended and i was life with a peaceful mindset... until i tried to sleep that night. i tossed and turned and all i could do was think about his poor heart and what he had felt bc of me. No one deserves heart break let alone no one should have to cry bc of me.

I am fearful and i do not know why.

There had been so many times when i had just wanted to cry, to break down to just give up. bc i hurt so many people, bc 'ive broken so many hearts, bc i have been so greedy. I don't deserve love, and at times i think i would be better off dead then to hurt anyone ever again.

I've set my mind to write each person i've ever broken a letter. to apologize for my actions and ask for forgiveness. it is the least i can do now.

I am fearful to move to portland at times now, I am afraid to be hated. Although i did nothing wrong and am human i fear it. I'm not a horrid person, i swear... my heart is always full and sad for those who i hurt and the constant lack of being able to love is proof. I just want everyone be happy now. is that so much to ask?

Sadly i am starting to have my doubts, to be afraid of moving back. I'm afraid of failure.


i'm afraid to be alone... yet i deserve to be.