sovereign

a couple months ago we were sleeping and it got really cold and he wouldnt wake up. i tried to sleep and i just couldnt. so i got up, kissed his forehead and left. another time i just couldnt sleep at all bc i felt sick so i got up ad left and last we had this fight and i waited til he fell asleep and i left. each time he would get upset to which i understood why bc its sorta like hey one night stand type of deal.

Last sunday/monday we went to a going away party to which i got really really hammered. things were fine though. he recently had to move into his parents house again and i was a little hesitant to bc i havent met them yet.
furthermore, im afraid of love. to love. I realized that i started falling in love with him and it really scared me. like really bad. so i tried to recoil.

anyways so we ended up going back to his place bc i was too tired, and drunk to drive home. he has this thing where he cant sleep if i am not there so he hadnt slept in his bed at all and since i was gonna be there he got all excited and was making it all comfy for me. i was on the phone with my friend daneille and she was saying christy if you are not comfortable just leave and he made this smart ass remark so i grabbed my things and left

drove home drunk

he became really angry. he said god forbid i was trying to make things perfect for you. we agrued for a bit and i was super annoyed. he kept saying he was sick of me bouncing and i was annoyed and just kept saying if it bothers you then just break things off. he told me he just wanted to talk and i said id rather you break up with me now that im drunk so im numb to the feeling. he replied that it sounded like thats what i wanted and buy then i had passed out so i never replied. he sent me 2 texts after that saying that he just wants to talk and then a question mark, so im guessing he thought thats what i wanted.

the next morning i owned up to my mistake and apologized, and yet he didnt speak to me all day.
the next day he told me he wanted to talk. i knew i was done for.

we met at this place out in the middle of no where. keep in mind i had just lost my friend so i was very much so not mental stable.
he began with idk where to start and he said that it felt like we treat each other like friends, and he said that it felt like it wasnt the same. i was about to tell him that i had distanced myself bc i was uncomfortable with the idea of going over to his parents and that i was falling in love..but he then said he couldnt do this right now. that we both had alot going on and he then said he was sorry about my friend and i started to cry and he got up and tried to hug me but i flintched and looked at him in sadness and it shocked me bc he looked hurt.he then said he would leave but he didnt. i told him that he had broken my heart and he said he didnt mean for it to be this way and i just felt myself slipping so i said that it was all my fault for leaving and i jumped down from the tree and left crying...

it was the hardest thing ever. i was hysterical.

i woke up later and laid there thinking, about all the things i should have said but didnt. so wrote this long text explaining it all. i told him about the love thing, told him that i know i messed up and that i wanted to fix things and he replied with that he needed time to figure things out

well he doesnt ever get easily mad, and i understand why he is mad

i just didnt want to scare him off by saying ily you know?
bc it happened so fast and i was so so so happy.

my friend sent me a recording of him the other night saying that he was falling in love with me and then she says to him you know she is afraid of the 'l' word and he said he knew but that he could really see himself falling in love with me. but that was last week