I know that it is never good to live in the past, nor is it good to let the past mess up current relationships, but i laid in bed with my bf this morning and started to cry.. ive been super burned in the past, been used, been cheated on and have been forced to drill in my head that there is something wrong with me..
Im not sure what is quite going through my head at the moment.. when i see pictures of my bf ex gf i get sad.. somewhere in my head i think that i will never be as pretty as she was..i shouldnt be thinking this way but..i am.. WHICH BLOWS
Furthermore that brings something else to my attention...I'M DEATHLY AFRAID TO FALL IN LOVE.
i once was engaged...to someone i spent 3 years of my life with...then one day it all started turning sour...things took a turn for the worst and i moved back to california, and the little hope left was instantly killed. I was crushed... I even swore i wouldn't fall in love ever again bc the pain was so so so bad... but here i am..starting to again and its making me very uneasy...I think its bc im afraid to be hurt again..to be left with my heart in my hand again...
In his drunken slumber last night, he told me i meant the world to him, that i was all that mattered, and no one has seen him this happy in a long time or that i place a smile on his face constantly.. yeah it made me smile..bit its hard for me to believe in anyone anymore. I want to..but i just cant..
I feel so silly for telling you all this, since you all have your own lives, but i really dont know what to do...
Im not sure what is quite going through my head at the moment.. when i see pictures of my bf ex gf i get sad.. somewhere in my head i think that i will never be as pretty as she was..i shouldnt be thinking this way but..i am.. WHICH BLOWS
Furthermore that brings something else to my attention...I'M DEATHLY AFRAID TO FALL IN LOVE.
i once was engaged...to someone i spent 3 years of my life with...then one day it all started turning sour...things took a turn for the worst and i moved back to california, and the little hope left was instantly killed. I was crushed... I even swore i wouldn't fall in love ever again bc the pain was so so so bad... but here i am..starting to again and its making me very uneasy...I think its bc im afraid to be hurt again..to be left with my heart in my hand again...
In his drunken slumber last night, he told me i meant the world to him, that i was all that mattered, and no one has seen him this happy in a long time or that i place a smile on his face constantly.. yeah it made me smile..bit its hard for me to believe in anyone anymore. I want to..but i just cant..
I feel so silly for telling you all this, since you all have your own lives, but i really dont know what to do...
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
My partner has coped remarkably well with my constant ending the relationship - my way of protecting myself from him dumping me!! When we were particularly getting on well, I would end it! I would convince myself that in no shape or form could he possibly love me as much as I love him therefore, rather than face the heartache and emotional turmoil it would be easier to do the dumping!
I have had to 'and this will sound ridiculous' do kind of affirmations, like literally say to self how I love and appreciate myself and trusting the process of life etc. I remember talking to a chap once who asked me if I was with a woman whether I would still have all these doubts etc and it took me a while to answer but my reply was YES!
You know what, what youre feeling is like SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE! Its so so horrid, I still get that .... well... I can only explain exactly what I get and this is it: my stomach will start churning beyound anything I could imagine, like I have a thousand butterflies fluttering away in side me, but not the nice excited flutters, but deep intense sensatins. Then I will be overcome with this sense of dread, like the sky has turned dark and the sun is hovering in the distance too afraid to come back in to view. Then every negative thought I could possibly imagine enters my mind ie 'is he with me because it passes the time, feels trapped, worries i couldn't take it if he did end it, only because of our family, because hes waiting for someone else to come along'!
It sounds daft, but I have read a lot of books on the feelings that I have had over the years and tried to understand where my intense sense of dread comes from. I guess a lot of it is pretty simple, I grew up with a beautiful, intelligent, strong willed, amazing mom, yet a man, just one man had ripped her heart out and stood on it in front of her to the extent that she never trusted a man again. However, I have also had to learn to think more of myself. To stop thinking, am I too grumpy, do I worry too much (that is an obvious YES!!!!!) am I too fat, too thin, aging too quickly, acting too young, but I have learnt that i need to trust in myself, to believe I am worth being with.
You are beautiful and would stop a hundred men on the street, your partner could walk out the door, but has chosen to be with you. Whatever you do, don't accidently push him away by worrying. I have done that so many times and then had plead and promise that I will make changes and learn to be happy with what we have.
Gosh, I really have gone on, I apologise for that, but I saw your blog and my heart felt for you so much, as I have been where you are so many times, it hurts to think about it.