sovereign

I am not perfect. I've lied, I've lusted and I have deceived. But I will try to love you the best I can. Because I've been called to do so by one who is perfect. He's truly all I need but if you're open to the opportunity, I will be a good friend to you. Consider me your brother."
Isaiah 46:4


Its funny how things have turned up these past few months. I laid in a hospital bed in the early dawn this morning and started really reflecting on my life. I miss who i used to be. I look at myself now and cant even recognize myself in the slightest. I once had a grip of myself and who i was and now im not really sure.

I've become selfish, and crude to those whom i love deeply. I ask myself, why? I know the answer and am not proud to admit it but i will. I've been greedy, in the most terrible of ways. I have used my friends without realizing it and worse.. i have used the affections of others bc i wanted to feel loved.

This is not who i am. I miss the old christy. I miss being selfless and caring.

After i moved back from Portland my whole life was turned upside down. I had to restart a life here with little to no friends and had to put myself in an area where i wasn't even sure i was welcomed , and the one person who had been there for me, i turned my back to. For that, I hate myself. I caused the person pain and heartbreak all bc i felt alone.

I am only human but at times i feel like im not even that. Ive caused so much hurt to some.
I refuse to be this way anymore. Im letting go of that christy and going back who i used to be.

I refuse to use a person for my greed. I refuse to bc selfish to those whom i love. I refuse to be this fake version of me. I refuse to be hungry for attention. I want to be a better person for everyone in my life. that is, if some of you still want to be in my life. This is really hard for me to even say but I'm sorry I lost my way.

I'm a good person i promise, just things in my life have clouded my way, have caused me to become so hallow and i really dislike that so much. I don't wanna be this way, please help me find my way again bc i know i can't do this alone.

I'm no longer going to drink like i used to. in fact. I set a goal for a whole month without drinking. I was never really a heavy drinker but the little that i did bothers me. I made my worst mistakes drunk. course some would say 'so what you were drunk' but really? is that even an okay excuse? no.

I feel like i have bothered people up until now with my stupid antics. I feel like I should leave people alone so they don't have to deal with me at times.

I hate to say this but i feel like i am always being used for something. money. rides. attention etc.
I just wish people could tell me how much i mean to them.. because up until now, only ben has been honest with me. for that i adore him so. he is the best friend i could ever have.

When i moved back, no one really cared, which i understand people have their own lives, but it hurt to know no one cared. and the worst for me was the people who really did care were the ones i left behind in portland. I guess that explains why i've wanted to go back for so long.

I wish someone would sit me down and tell me i matter to them. even if it was in a small gesture.

Maybe i don't really deserve to feel loved after what i did to Andrew. For that i accept it. and If i have to be alone and feel like it than i guess i do deserve it. Funny thing is, aside from being afraid of spiders and creepy white undead corpses from this one movie, i am mostly afraid to be alone. deathly afraid.

The greatest people in my life have said to me leave this in the hands of god, and will admit i haven't been as religious as i used to be. Maybe I need to be again. Maybe this cloud can be lifted if i devote myself to trying to find peace within myself.


Regardless, I am sorry i spewed so much of my heart in this, i Just really needed to express how I am feeling.