sovereign

what a day

i went to talk to my landlord today to try to figure out a solution so i can finally move back to california...you see..my mom hasn't been too good. shes been in and out of the hospital and its really taking a toll on me. i really wanna go home..the land lord told me that I cant leave bc its only six months into the lease. if i just leave the lease I screw myself over. i'm stuck here. When i got home. i literally sobbed for a hour straight. i wish with all my heart that i could be with my mom right now. i'm the only family she has..the rest of the family is materialistic and cruel to her. my sister...well she hasn't talked to us in years. she chose a guy over her little sister and mom. my mom went through hardships while i was still growing up. and now i feel like need to be there with her. I'm not sure what to do. i thought about subletting so we'll see how that goes.



on top of that i feel hatred surging inside me, towards the boys i moved up here for. i know its not right for me to hate someone to have these feelings let alone to put the blame on him but god i wish i never ever moved up here. I hate it here with all my heart and now im fucking stuck here. Im starting to cry right now bc this hatred is surging inside me and i want to just scream it to him that i blame him for all of this. for me going through hardships for being constantly worried about my mother. he was not worth all of this and god i feel so so so guilty. its all my fault. im a stupid stupd girl for all of this. i should have know better. everyone was right