sourgrapes

I'm so depressed. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. Its like I can never get my shit together. I just keep getting fucked up. I always was a fuck up. All I ever heard was I have potential and I'm so bright and I could do anything I wanted. I never did shit. This is my last shot and I'm fucking blowing it again. I can't hold on to anything. Everytime I see something good happening I tear it down. Its weird but I've always felt like I was supposed to die really young. Like the reason I can't do anything good was because I wasn't sposed to be here. I want to be good but I just hate life. And this isn't some fuckin bullshit cry for help or teenage angst. I just get sick when I open my eyes in the morning. I carry it with me all day. I feel like a piece of shit. I can't sleep a lot of the time because I can't stop thinking about it. It makes talk aloud to myself. I catch myself repeating things aloud that people said to me years ago as I remember them. The most insignificant events in my life show up and I dwell on them and feel the shame as if it just happened.I wish I knew how to stop it. I lost something in myself so long ago and I know ill never get it back. I lost sex drive, ambition, I even find myself faking my emotions and acting the way I think I should feel when I really feel nothing. I'm just so empty. I just want to do something horrible that everyone in the world will see.