soulsurvivor98

So I've had it, I'm sick and tired of it all. I'm sick and tired of being the "nice guy" that always gets pushed around an fucked over. At first I thought being a "nice guy" was a good thing; I always did my best to make things right and put other peoples' needs ahead of my own... only for them to turn right around and spit in my face. I'm so fucking pissed, frustrated, confused and bitter, I wish I could find a way for me to KILL this inner "nice guy" living inside of me because he has brought me nothing but heartache and lots of pain and suffering. it's just not worth it anymore, you bend over backwards to make someone happy and you get shitted on in the end. Nice guys really do finish last, I've come to find out that's not just a saying but a cold, hard fact. In the end everybody just cares about themselves and I'm left all lone and miserable with nobody to give a damn about what happens to me...just as long as they got what they needed out of me. It seems I was placed on this godforsaken earth just to be stepped all over, I'm nothing more that a stepping stool, a fucking doormat people use to wipe all the dirt from their pasts on in order to start anew. I always remained hopeful that in the end my day would come and things would look up for me but that hopefulness has subsided and been replaced by idiocy, for believing in the thought that good things come to those who wait and deserve. My main goal now is to kill the "nice guy" inside of me, along with every single being of emotion of instinct that has driven me my entire life. I will only be satisfied when I am an empty shell of a man. but will I really? What is the actual meaning of "satisfaction"? Is there truly a way to reach such a point? When I am done killing what little is left of myself, will I truly be satisfied then? Chances are I won't; but at least I'll be numb enough not to give a damn anymore. in this world all I have and all I can depend on is myself. nothing is a given...That which you have today will not be promised to be there tomorrow so appreciate what you have and treasure it for everything it's worth because thet last place I would wan't anybody to end up is in this cold, dark place I'm in now. i feel like I'm losing my mind, my sanity and everything that has ever kept me grounded and level-headed. I yearn for the quick way out of all this but hate myself even more for not having the balls to take the final plunge. I have way too much I have yet to accomplish, and even when that is all done and taken care for, i will still be unhappy, because i will always be missing that one thing, the one thing that every truly made me feel happy and comfortable in my own skin. but what can I do? Life for me is just one big dissappointment after another. I dread the thought of opening my eyes every morning to face another day of the same depressing reality. I honestly do not think I ask for too much, I am just too giving and people tend to take advantage of that every chance they get. They find comfort in the fact that they could shit all over me, knowing that my "nice guy" nature will just take it, accept it, and be here for more when they decide to turn around and do it all over again. I just cannot allow for this to keep happening over and over again. I must break this cycle. I must kill what is left of me, I have now become my own worst enemy and I can not, I will not, stop until I have destroyed it completely. Until then all I can do is put on the same fake smile I put on day in and day out and accept things as they come. I never thought things would have turned out this way but I guess this is my fate and I must play the cards i've been dealt or take myself out of the game altogether...