soulclapping

So I feel like I am about to shut down emotionally for the day and I don't really want to....so I wanted to blog about it, as I am almost too embarrassed to mention it to my friends....not embarrassed at their reactions or anything, but just not wanting their sympathy or anything.

I find myself in a pretty precarious dating situation....as in fully knowing I am likely to be hurt from it...more so than today and likely soon.

I have spent some great time with someone, probably way too much, intense time, who is not fully emotionally available and she spent the week processing and made a date for today.

I was excited of course, and had some fun stuff planned, and for some reason I was having a hard time sleeping....I wasn't fully shaking in excitement or anything, I think I just had a premonition....or perhaps I was worried that it wouldn't go well etc etc.

So I woke up and checked my email and she had canceled.....and I wasn't really all that surprised. Her reasoning was probably truthful...that she had gotten overwhelmed by sadness and needed time to decompress...she is not depressed or even all that depressive, but is in a tough situation I won't elaborate on......and yes yes yes, I see this as a warning sign and all that jazz...and currently that doesn't seem to stop me.

But I am left with this excitement gap in which I was going to fill with the date but now can't....and feel sort of floundering. I already went to the gym to get out energy and ran some errands and will likely be too squirrelish to do work or read or watch something or play anything. So now I think I need a date.

Not a hook up or a booty call...in fact I couldn't do that.....but conversation with a stranger, in a real place, tea or coffee more than drinks....but something. Blah.

Is there an ennui smiley?


I have decided ennui is a robot.