Well I guess Ill update again, though I know by now noone reads this, but I had one to many shots tonight so I feel like writing something here damn it.
I was just listening to a beautiful song I used to love that I havent heard for years and it made me feel really sad. It brought back memories of what I used to be, and for a moment I remembered so vividly what I felt like when I was 16, lying awake in the middle of the night listening to it and feeling so much hope in my heart even through the pain I felt at that moment, looking out my window at the sky and wondering...little did I know how cursed I was... Well, it was just a strange feeling, I remember everything long term perfectley, but it was a recollection that was so clear in my mind that I think chemicals in my brain that havent flowed for years came out, along with the tears. Is that a sign of trauma? I dought it, cant be. Just was really wierd to feel something I havent felt for years so strong. It was like stronger variations of emotions I thought I knew but now think I forgot or pushed aside. I cant even say what it is, just a memory of who I will never be again I guess.
Anyways, I need to dye my hair again, the dye I used before is all washed out and looks like shit now but I not sure if I should, my hair already thinned out from the last 2 times I dyed it. WHich is good, I had way to much before. Trust me, I had more then normal. Every time I got my haircut whoever was cutting it remarked on how thick it was and if I let it grow it tended to look like some wierd afro, but I think Ive lost enough now. The girl who dyed it really didnt know what she was doing....
I wish I had something to smoke right now
Being shitfaced drunk is just no substitute.
Well, thats all I guess, time to pass out, have to work really early, then hopefully will go and see Ghost in the Shell 2 after I get off. The first was a really beautiful movie, hopefully the second is just as good.
I was just listening to a beautiful song I used to love that I havent heard for years and it made me feel really sad. It brought back memories of what I used to be, and for a moment I remembered so vividly what I felt like when I was 16, lying awake in the middle of the night listening to it and feeling so much hope in my heart even through the pain I felt at that moment, looking out my window at the sky and wondering...little did I know how cursed I was... Well, it was just a strange feeling, I remember everything long term perfectley, but it was a recollection that was so clear in my mind that I think chemicals in my brain that havent flowed for years came out, along with the tears. Is that a sign of trauma? I dought it, cant be. Just was really wierd to feel something I havent felt for years so strong. It was like stronger variations of emotions I thought I knew but now think I forgot or pushed aside. I cant even say what it is, just a memory of who I will never be again I guess.
Anyways, I need to dye my hair again, the dye I used before is all washed out and looks like shit now but I not sure if I should, my hair already thinned out from the last 2 times I dyed it. WHich is good, I had way to much before. Trust me, I had more then normal. Every time I got my haircut whoever was cutting it remarked on how thick it was and if I let it grow it tended to look like some wierd afro, but I think Ive lost enough now. The girl who dyed it really didnt know what she was doing....
I wish I had something to smoke right now
Being shitfaced drunk is just no substitute.
Well, thats all I guess, time to pass out, have to work really early, then hopefully will go and see Ghost in the Shell 2 after I get off. The first was a really beautiful movie, hopefully the second is just as good.
I know people say things like this all the time. But it will get better. I was feeling incredibly down and thought things would never improve. Just a few weeks later my life is so fucking good that i often wonder if this is just a dream. seems to good to be real. keep the faith, focus on the good and let go of regret. I know this comes from some random stranger but I also know that a number of people told me the same thing weeks ago and it wasnt until I felt better that i realized how much they helped.
[Edited on Sep 20, 2004 3:48AM]
Thanks for the b-day wishes.