So here I am at Becca's house as thoughts drift in front of my eyes.. Not in my mind where they should be, but before me, tantalyzing, tempting, teasing me from a small distance that I can't even metaphorically reach.
So here I am, as words drift around my body, mind and whole essence, and I wonder why must things be the way they are. Why must they be so... So... I don't even know.. So confusing, maybe? So unreal? I'm not really sure I'm just sitting here. And contemplating life... Kind of odd that I do it here.. In Becca's room of all places. Why not at my house, in my room, in my sanctuary? Question questions questions. That's all they ever are..
Questions are rather odd things, now that I think about it, I know they are needed, for that's how we gain knowledge about things we do not know about. But what about those people that fear the unknown, do they ask questions or are they blissfully ignorant? Are they happy they are like that? But how would they know if they were truly happy if they've never expierienced anything outside of the box? Maybe they feel safe, and that makes them happy?
I'm not sure, just more words dancing around me as more thoughts explode from my brain, out my ears, eyes, mouth, even my nose...JUST BLAM and here they are parading around me. Dancing, twirling, some stumbling to gain their balance and collect 'their thoughts' and return to their never ending rhythem of life before me.
So I'm stuck in wonder, why am I always so alone? Why am I so... empty? So... emo? Last one is there just for laughs, I swear I'm not emo, I'm just very thoughtful right now and contemplating things I know I shouldn't. Like death for instance. No I won't be going to kill myself any time in the near or far future, I know better than that these days. So what am I pondering about? Thinking about? Contemplating about? Well, what's the big deal with death? I've certainly never been afraid of it, infact I've waited for it to come naturally, whether an accident of some sort of normal circumstances, or even bizaar and twisted ones. I've certainly kept my eyes open to the possibilities at hand. But why are people afriad? It goes back to the unknown... Why don't they just ask questions, gain knowledge.. But then again, who are you going to ask about death? Dead people? Kinda hard when.. well.. they're dead. So what do you do about that? But I say, don't fear it, it's natural, because have you ever seen someone live forever? No, I think not.
Another parading thought is, life... Why are people afraid to live? Enjoy themselves, be happy, question, laugh, dance, sing (Even if they're bad at it, who cares?) Where is their confidence in life? Where is there charm? How can you live a protective and bland life? It just doesn't appeal to me, but maybe, somewhere, it appeals to someone else. I'll just never understand how really. Maybe for security measures, but still... You can be safe and have fun all at the same time I think, well not with everything, accidents and mistakes are bound to happen I believe, but why hold yourself back from the expirence? Why not learn and try a new approach to something? Live, Love, Learn, Laugh. In that order.
Suicide. I know, touchy subject for some, even myself since I've been there with numerous attempts, more than some people realize or know for that matter. But.. Yeah, a lot of people have been there. It's more openly talked about than it was 'back in the day'. Back when my parent's parents where still kids, they didn't talk about that kind of thing. Even when my parents were kids, when I was a kid, we didn't talk about those things. We didn't learn about it, we didn't see the warning signs until it was to late. And that's the problem. We see the things to late, maybe because we want to make sure they're there, or maybe pretend like they don't exist i.e. "If I ignore it, it can't be real." or "If I can't see it, it's not happening." type of thing. But it is. It's happening all around us, it affects everyone in different ways. I sometimes wonder how I could be so.. selfish? I know it's my life, but you should want (just maybe) to share it with people around you. Like friends, family, boyfriends, girlfriends, lovers, even enemies or people that down right don't like you. Sharing is caring after all boys and gals.
One of my first hospitalizations *not to be confused with first attempt* my father, and this is all I really remember from the conversation I had with him.. He brutally asked. "HOW COULD YOU BE SO SELFISH?!" and though it seemed harsh and uncalled for.. That's really what I was doing. Being selfish. I was taking away everything I had ever lived for, and things from other people without a second thought on the matter. Yes, I was being a horrid bitch. Funny how that sounds. Not really, plenty of people that know me would say things like that to my face. It's not terrible, it's not horrible, it's not scary or even bad. It's not the truth, it's not great, I don't dance in glee about it either. It's simply there. Yes it's there, like I am here, you are reading this and that life is circling around us in a chaotic manner, but yet we can still find peace in everything we do. Mostly. Somethings are just meant to be wild, crazy, unpredictable.
With all that said, I think I'll call it the end to my thinking process... Maybe all these things would stop dancing before me if I simply say.. Stop. It might be a magical word, at least it's one to listen to and abide by..
So here I am, as words drift around my body, mind and whole essence, and I wonder why must things be the way they are. Why must they be so... So... I don't even know.. So confusing, maybe? So unreal? I'm not really sure I'm just sitting here. And contemplating life... Kind of odd that I do it here.. In Becca's room of all places. Why not at my house, in my room, in my sanctuary? Question questions questions. That's all they ever are..
Questions are rather odd things, now that I think about it, I know they are needed, for that's how we gain knowledge about things we do not know about. But what about those people that fear the unknown, do they ask questions or are they blissfully ignorant? Are they happy they are like that? But how would they know if they were truly happy if they've never expierienced anything outside of the box? Maybe they feel safe, and that makes them happy?
I'm not sure, just more words dancing around me as more thoughts explode from my brain, out my ears, eyes, mouth, even my nose...JUST BLAM and here they are parading around me. Dancing, twirling, some stumbling to gain their balance and collect 'their thoughts' and return to their never ending rhythem of life before me.
So I'm stuck in wonder, why am I always so alone? Why am I so... empty? So... emo? Last one is there just for laughs, I swear I'm not emo, I'm just very thoughtful right now and contemplating things I know I shouldn't. Like death for instance. No I won't be going to kill myself any time in the near or far future, I know better than that these days. So what am I pondering about? Thinking about? Contemplating about? Well, what's the big deal with death? I've certainly never been afraid of it, infact I've waited for it to come naturally, whether an accident of some sort of normal circumstances, or even bizaar and twisted ones. I've certainly kept my eyes open to the possibilities at hand. But why are people afriad? It goes back to the unknown... Why don't they just ask questions, gain knowledge.. But then again, who are you going to ask about death? Dead people? Kinda hard when.. well.. they're dead. So what do you do about that? But I say, don't fear it, it's natural, because have you ever seen someone live forever? No, I think not.
Another parading thought is, life... Why are people afraid to live? Enjoy themselves, be happy, question, laugh, dance, sing (Even if they're bad at it, who cares?) Where is their confidence in life? Where is there charm? How can you live a protective and bland life? It just doesn't appeal to me, but maybe, somewhere, it appeals to someone else. I'll just never understand how really. Maybe for security measures, but still... You can be safe and have fun all at the same time I think, well not with everything, accidents and mistakes are bound to happen I believe, but why hold yourself back from the expirence? Why not learn and try a new approach to something? Live, Love, Learn, Laugh. In that order.
Suicide. I know, touchy subject for some, even myself since I've been there with numerous attempts, more than some people realize or know for that matter. But.. Yeah, a lot of people have been there. It's more openly talked about than it was 'back in the day'. Back when my parent's parents where still kids, they didn't talk about that kind of thing. Even when my parents were kids, when I was a kid, we didn't talk about those things. We didn't learn about it, we didn't see the warning signs until it was to late. And that's the problem. We see the things to late, maybe because we want to make sure they're there, or maybe pretend like they don't exist i.e. "If I ignore it, it can't be real." or "If I can't see it, it's not happening." type of thing. But it is. It's happening all around us, it affects everyone in different ways. I sometimes wonder how I could be so.. selfish? I know it's my life, but you should want (just maybe) to share it with people around you. Like friends, family, boyfriends, girlfriends, lovers, even enemies or people that down right don't like you. Sharing is caring after all boys and gals.
One of my first hospitalizations *not to be confused with first attempt* my father, and this is all I really remember from the conversation I had with him.. He brutally asked. "HOW COULD YOU BE SO SELFISH?!" and though it seemed harsh and uncalled for.. That's really what I was doing. Being selfish. I was taking away everything I had ever lived for, and things from other people without a second thought on the matter. Yes, I was being a horrid bitch. Funny how that sounds. Not really, plenty of people that know me would say things like that to my face. It's not terrible, it's not horrible, it's not scary or even bad. It's not the truth, it's not great, I don't dance in glee about it either. It's simply there. Yes it's there, like I am here, you are reading this and that life is circling around us in a chaotic manner, but yet we can still find peace in everything we do. Mostly. Somethings are just meant to be wild, crazy, unpredictable.
With all that said, I think I'll call it the end to my thinking process... Maybe all these things would stop dancing before me if I simply say.. Stop. It might be a magical word, at least it's one to listen to and abide by..
Thanks for posting that.