Things that piss me off to the point of laughter (insane though it may be) while managing a coffee bistro in Michigan. I also posted this in my myspace blog.
Mayhem and the Melancholy Manager
1. Urban cowboys: No one liked you in the 70's/80's....why would it be any different now? I had a guy come into my coffee shop today dressed in SHINY leather chaps, cowboy boots--with spurs, the $700 leather & snakeskin cowboy hat, a Patagonia vest, and where a revolver should be in his holster...laid a Blackberry Cell/PDA. He then asked for a decaf skinny latte, extra foam.
2. Women with no manners. Sorry ladies, but 9 out of 10 times, it's the older women who have shit for manners Younger women tend to ignore me anyway...lol.. They'll walk in not making eye contact, and with a friendly smile (ask those who know me) I'll say, "Hello", or "Hi, welcome, come on in" and they act as if they don't hear me. Instead the focus on the order menu behind me up on the wall and proceed to tell me what they NEED. For Example: Uh....Yeaaaaahhh....Um...I'm gonna neeeeed a --(insert pastry/drink of choice). More often than not, they just walk right up to me and say, "I want....." or I need..." Rarely is there a "please" or a "May I have". Hell, I'd even settle for a "Can I have..." WHERE have the manners gone. My theory...yet to be tested...is that when people go an vacation...they come in contact with near lethal levels of fresh air, clean water, and friendliness. That, in combination with too much fudge, excess amounts of sunshine, copious quantities of sunblock absorbing into the circulatory system, and BAMMM!!! You've got a cocktail for brain damage; thus resulting in a lack of all formal and informal manners.
3. For god's sake.....don't EVER snap your fingers at me to get my attention. I'll fuckin' break all ten of them.
4. Men who order fluffy fu-fu drinks. I don't know WHY this bothers me. I'm not some crazed macho dude myself...but I just wanna tell them, "NO, you may NOT have a decaf skinny cinnamon hazelnut latte. Drink a cup of black coffe you fucking SALLY.....Grrrrrr." I dunno, I myself drink the "girly" drinks at the bar; diet coke and Malibu rum, mango margaheritas, white russians. Rarely do I drink beer, especially traditionally *macho* beer like Coors, Bells, and Budweiser...bleech! Yuck. But for some ungodly reason I wanna reach across the counter and slap, strangle, punch and otherwise verbally and physically humiliate these guys who order these *wussy fu-fu* drinks. Maybe I'm going nuts, wanting to inflict pain to my customers...lol.
5. Older women dressing like hoochies. C'mon..tuck your thong back into thoses Guess jeans, put a shirt on over your tube top...and no...the belly button ring does not distract me from your c-section scar. Now before you yell at me for being a pig...lemme make an exception. There ARE some older women who can get away with this (Some soccer moms come to mind)...and look DAMN fine and sexy doing it...but they are the exception, not the rule. Hey..I know you ladies woouldn't wanna see me in a speedo, right?!
6. Weekend warriors on Harley bikes. Go back to suburbia and stay put, before I steal that sweet-ass bike you don't deserve to be riding. You're shiny new leathers and fresh patches are so cool. I'm jealous.
7. People from the suburbs who say they live in the big city so as to impress myself and others. Dude...Bloomfield Hills is NOT Detroit. Forest Park is NOT Chicago. Santa Barbara is NOT Los Angeles. It would just as easy and more accurate to say your are from NEAR the city...but whatever.
8. People who think I OWE them something at work. Be it poor locals, or rich tourists...they both act like I owe them something. Poor people expect a deal, a hook-up, a discount, a freebie. And you know what...being poorer myself...I usually DO hook 'em up. But to EXPECT it...like it's your RIGHT?!?!?! Blow me. Same with rich assholes. I'm a manager in a coffe shop, the service industry...not your fucking slave. I was not put here on theis earth to make you feel better about yourself. I will not let you demand service, order me to make you something, and in general...not take your bullshit.
9. Kids. Love 'em or hate 'em....but either way, get them out of my shop if you can't control them. It's not cute, it's not endearing, it's not even remotely funny to see your slobbering drooling toddler knock my shit over onto the floor, or the three year old throwing a temper tantrum and thowing his hot chocolate with whip cream and *count them* 17 mini-marshmallows.
10. Tempers. Look...just because I may not have the one very obscure coffee drink you want, or we're out of YOUR favorite thing...does not, under any circumstances give you the right to behave like a baby and throw a fit. Peeling out of my parking lot in your blue convertible BMW did not impress me. In fact...it didn't even piss me off. It just made me sad. Sad that we have people in this world who care more about a cup of coffee than the unique and singular ability that we have as humans to hold a civil meaningful dialogue.
Mayhem and the Melancholy Manager
1. Urban cowboys: No one liked you in the 70's/80's....why would it be any different now? I had a guy come into my coffee shop today dressed in SHINY leather chaps, cowboy boots--with spurs, the $700 leather & snakeskin cowboy hat, a Patagonia vest, and where a revolver should be in his holster...laid a Blackberry Cell/PDA. He then asked for a decaf skinny latte, extra foam.
2. Women with no manners. Sorry ladies, but 9 out of 10 times, it's the older women who have shit for manners Younger women tend to ignore me anyway...lol.. They'll walk in not making eye contact, and with a friendly smile (ask those who know me) I'll say, "Hello", or "Hi, welcome, come on in" and they act as if they don't hear me. Instead the focus on the order menu behind me up on the wall and proceed to tell me what they NEED. For Example: Uh....Yeaaaaahhh....Um...I'm gonna neeeeed a --(insert pastry/drink of choice). More often than not, they just walk right up to me and say, "I want....." or I need..." Rarely is there a "please" or a "May I have". Hell, I'd even settle for a "Can I have..." WHERE have the manners gone. My theory...yet to be tested...is that when people go an vacation...they come in contact with near lethal levels of fresh air, clean water, and friendliness. That, in combination with too much fudge, excess amounts of sunshine, copious quantities of sunblock absorbing into the circulatory system, and BAMMM!!! You've got a cocktail for brain damage; thus resulting in a lack of all formal and informal manners.
3. For god's sake.....don't EVER snap your fingers at me to get my attention. I'll fuckin' break all ten of them.
4. Men who order fluffy fu-fu drinks. I don't know WHY this bothers me. I'm not some crazed macho dude myself...but I just wanna tell them, "NO, you may NOT have a decaf skinny cinnamon hazelnut latte. Drink a cup of black coffe you fucking SALLY.....Grrrrrr." I dunno, I myself drink the "girly" drinks at the bar; diet coke and Malibu rum, mango margaheritas, white russians. Rarely do I drink beer, especially traditionally *macho* beer like Coors, Bells, and Budweiser...bleech! Yuck. But for some ungodly reason I wanna reach across the counter and slap, strangle, punch and otherwise verbally and physically humiliate these guys who order these *wussy fu-fu* drinks. Maybe I'm going nuts, wanting to inflict pain to my customers...lol.
5. Older women dressing like hoochies. C'mon..tuck your thong back into thoses Guess jeans, put a shirt on over your tube top...and no...the belly button ring does not distract me from your c-section scar. Now before you yell at me for being a pig...lemme make an exception. There ARE some older women who can get away with this (Some soccer moms come to mind)...and look DAMN fine and sexy doing it...but they are the exception, not the rule. Hey..I know you ladies woouldn't wanna see me in a speedo, right?!
6. Weekend warriors on Harley bikes. Go back to suburbia and stay put, before I steal that sweet-ass bike you don't deserve to be riding. You're shiny new leathers and fresh patches are so cool. I'm jealous.
7. People from the suburbs who say they live in the big city so as to impress myself and others. Dude...Bloomfield Hills is NOT Detroit. Forest Park is NOT Chicago. Santa Barbara is NOT Los Angeles. It would just as easy and more accurate to say your are from NEAR the city...but whatever.
8. People who think I OWE them something at work. Be it poor locals, or rich tourists...they both act like I owe them something. Poor people expect a deal, a hook-up, a discount, a freebie. And you know what...being poorer myself...I usually DO hook 'em up. But to EXPECT it...like it's your RIGHT?!?!?! Blow me. Same with rich assholes. I'm a manager in a coffe shop, the service industry...not your fucking slave. I was not put here on theis earth to make you feel better about yourself. I will not let you demand service, order me to make you something, and in general...not take your bullshit.
9. Kids. Love 'em or hate 'em....but either way, get them out of my shop if you can't control them. It's not cute, it's not endearing, it's not even remotely funny to see your slobbering drooling toddler knock my shit over onto the floor, or the three year old throwing a temper tantrum and thowing his hot chocolate with whip cream and *count them* 17 mini-marshmallows.
10. Tempers. Look...just because I may not have the one very obscure coffee drink you want, or we're out of YOUR favorite thing...does not, under any circumstances give you the right to behave like a baby and throw a fit. Peeling out of my parking lot in your blue convertible BMW did not impress me. In fact...it didn't even piss me off. It just made me sad. Sad that we have people in this world who care more about a cup of coffee than the unique and singular ability that we have as humans to hold a civil meaningful dialogue.
and i get in a fight everytime with joe when he asks for his soy white mocha LOL oh rite with whipcream
ive never even seen a blackberry in person
thank gawd