soph

sometimes everything just hurts so much...
not just the relatively minor struggles of my own pathetic life, but the pain i see on other people's faces (on the bus, at the store, sipping coffee staring at the sky); the closed-offness of people, the fear and the falsity that distort every single minute of every single fucking day. sometimes i get so tired of trying to be human. it hurts so much that noone cares and even if they did they wouldn't do anything anyway. it's hard not to cry on the street when everyone looks so lost and lonely and hardened. most people are just drifting through their lives, dragged down with the unknown suffering in their bloodstream. if someone smiles at me on the train my throat chokes up; the distance between each individual human is so vast it breaks my heart. all the things and moments and people i've lost...

anyway.

i'm struggling. not sure what's going on here. i shouldn't really have anything to complain about, there's nothing really wrong with my life. i should be grateful. (I am). but humanity is cruel and sometimes i just can't take it.

i miss him so so much (i was fine for months and now i'm in hell) and he's not open to me at all right now. he's being cruel and twisiting me around and now i feel like i'm begging for something that should be available to me because we love(d) eachother. i don't know what i want but i need him to be kind to me while i figure it out.