what do you hate most about yourself? I mean the traits that make you cringe when you feel them surface, though to me they always feel inevitable.
I despise:
1. my arrogance and cruelty when I get angry. just like my mum; how did this happen? it's everything I never wanted.
2. my combativeness; it comes naturally to me and doesn't seem aggressive in my own head, but every relationship I have ever had has snagged on fights over my being unable to have a light-hearted conversation about nothing. I've never in my whole life had a "light heart." it seems petty. why have a heart at all if it's not passionate? to me, there's nothing wrong or hurtful or personal about debating issues, no matter how small. I don't like mis/dis-information. I love to analyze & deconstruct. I was raised to question everything, and people who back down because they don't want to "fight" abound & irritate me even more. nevertheless, I would love love love to not be so constantly hurt when people I love tell me they can't take my combativeness. this has REALLY been bothering me lately; I try to suppress it, but then I feel, well, suppressed, and sad and twisted around. will I ever find someone who can love me for my over-analytical mind, not in spite of it? it hurts.
3. my lack of motivation. another big one that has been tormenting me more than usual lately. From the outside, most people would probably tell me my life looks good, I'm doing lots of worthwhile stuff. but it's never good enough, it's always halfway, and I torture myself to the point of stagnation over not pursuing the things I am good at that I once started to get into. I can't stand being mediocre, but I'm starting to think it's even worse to be nothing at all. I'm drowning in ideas and half-formed projects; I'm ambitious, but I analyze everything to death and then beat myself up for not doing it before I killed it.
obviously, I am not at all lacking in the self-loathing department.
so enough about me...
I despise:
1. my arrogance and cruelty when I get angry. just like my mum; how did this happen? it's everything I never wanted.
2. my combativeness; it comes naturally to me and doesn't seem aggressive in my own head, but every relationship I have ever had has snagged on fights over my being unable to have a light-hearted conversation about nothing. I've never in my whole life had a "light heart." it seems petty. why have a heart at all if it's not passionate? to me, there's nothing wrong or hurtful or personal about debating issues, no matter how small. I don't like mis/dis-information. I love to analyze & deconstruct. I was raised to question everything, and people who back down because they don't want to "fight" abound & irritate me even more. nevertheless, I would love love love to not be so constantly hurt when people I love tell me they can't take my combativeness. this has REALLY been bothering me lately; I try to suppress it, but then I feel, well, suppressed, and sad and twisted around. will I ever find someone who can love me for my over-analytical mind, not in spite of it? it hurts.
3. my lack of motivation. another big one that has been tormenting me more than usual lately. From the outside, most people would probably tell me my life looks good, I'm doing lots of worthwhile stuff. but it's never good enough, it's always halfway, and I torture myself to the point of stagnation over not pursuing the things I am good at that I once started to get into. I can't stand being mediocre, but I'm starting to think it's even worse to be nothing at all. I'm drowning in ideas and half-formed projects; I'm ambitious, but I analyze everything to death and then beat myself up for not doing it before I killed it.
obviously, I am not at all lacking in the self-loathing department.
so enough about me...
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Wheat pasting? Is that like postering? And sure, I'll do whatever.