somuchrain

since actually having an adviser my thesis has become a mite more serious and intimidating, feeling like work, and i'm less wont to do it in those circumstances. so now i'm stressed about it and it spoils most things i try and do. i can't read for fun because i'm in the habit of looking for connections that can be cited or used as illustration and nothing is just what it is anymore. in conversations, whcih i love having, especially with theis, i find myself trying out arguments from my paper, and not actually arguing because of the argument, and everything seems to be a matter of looking for logic or proof and not real thinking or discovery ... actually except movies. i don't think of movies in terms of my work but have interesting thoughts even from the most stupid movies. theis and i had a spy-movie night last night and i had all these interesting ideas i wanted to persue, which weren't part of my paper. so i spend a lot of my time watching movies. i watched Before Sunrise today and thought it was cute but overall stupid. I might watch the sequil now, only because I want things to be that easy, but all the pseudo-philosophical auto-fellation bores the crap out of me.

i don't know, i wanted this paper to be on religion and eschatology and naming heaven and utopianism in a few specific Jewish theorists but that was too hard so I did the poststructuralist thing I'm doing now which I'm really interested in, and it's cementing everything i've learned in uni. because i've to re-read so much, but i just feel like a hack and like i'm not saying anythign unique or interesting if you've read my bibliography.

ace, my friend/teacher, called me today to find out where i'd gone (i sort of moved, and immediately vanished from Vermont anarchist life) and through that I've got a Saturday morning shift at the bookstore tomorrow, and probably thereafter until I move. Which is good, but I feel comfortable when I know changes in my life are coming and am able to cut myself off from everything in my present life. I expect I'll have to see Kristin, the ex, and Nicole, her roommate whom I like much more, semi-regularly now, and all my friends that I love and am so gratefull that I met them all at school where they were my teachers, because that means, I don't know, something which feel unique. i'll have to deal with being seen on Langdon St. where my boss hangs out, and where my job, which so spectacularly imploded was. god, quitting feels like such a wonderful liberating sticking-it-to-the-man type thing until you have to buy dog food.

and plus i've got deadlines. the RAT proposal deadline is june 5th or something and i've yet to decicde if i'm going to do something from my thesis, boring, or do somethign on nationalism and colonialism and anarchism and deleuze, interesting, or memory/hope/god, even more interesting and there's a queer journal looking for writing, and i'm never going to get into grad. school if i don't do something other than schoolwork to prove i'm smart enough, because my school sure doesn't look good, so even if i weren't interested i'd have to do these thing, but there just not fun when i've got to do them. so yes. this is my catharsis or something like that, and i'm stressed by really trivial insigificant bullshit, but suffice it to say, i've not even touched on money, or moving, and i've been homeless and it sucked and new york is expensive and fuck. so there.

i think i'll maybe go watch a movie.