sometimesaway

sex


first was christine, drama and glory. made love often, ended up fuckin. ended up screamin, ended up cryin, ended up ending up.

next was amber, a few times seperated by years. a porn-style body, a signifigant mind. would say i was sorry to her now, but she liked the score. wanted what she got, got what she wanted. what they mean in the rock songs. future leader of tommorrow. much more on top of it then ever suspected. no reason to apologize to the planner. just to her boyfriend.

then was a face. just this girl in a race. one night of conversation. lived in my dorm. we did it quiet. brought her to meet some friends to hang out and greet, she got anxiety from no pot. just the once with her. don't remember a name. only name i dont remember.

then was lana. many times in the dorm room. face girl's friend. i made no promises, offered no offerings. she told me, "theres so much more i could give you"... but I didn't want it. foolish enough to think that would be a temporary thing. as if by my not wanting it i was storing up available resources to take it.

then steph...easter world woman tiny and tough. she told no lies. so freaked by last thing, didn't do this thing. lay next to me touching and pulling and biting and rubbin, all while talking about how she wanted to do nothin. we played and goofed all around sexual nerosis for weeks and weeks, then finally did it one time. never talked again. i forced no hand, i played very little part. i was there, but not my heart. sick sad little plastic man, wraps arms around piece of delicate glass. i can say one thing. i never squeeze hard.

then lauren... strong and bright. at first all together, then just as friends. first time that worked out right. not together during school, kinda-there during break...for years. then so much more...but only later and only after another thing and a few almosts and all kinds of time and patience and confusion.

then kate. weird and ackward but refreshingly open. so open. ive never met someone so free. she just bought a house with her girlfriend.

then jesse. punk rock moved here shorty after me amazing look... bored me to tears, but i was tired of cryin. sex on my floor, a few times by the door. bye bye from her to me, she goes to another. lucky me.

then brooke. misplaced. VS strikes again. ugh. i know. stop it. some nice times, some weird things to think of. at least one person out in the world thinks of me with much anger. i never said an untrue word. funny how that happens.

then marisa. VS again. wtf? I swear i couldnt do it if i planned it. wouldnt work if i actually liked it or prefered it. not where i wanted to go, not what i wanted to be doing. so tired of being alone, so ready for anyone. badly played, sorely fucked up. i dont know what to do with a girl who can't even get herself to come. i dont know what to do with a girl anymore. responding too strongly to 'women' who then won't have me. cant but blame myself...but that gets to be exhausting. never said an untrue thing again. funny how you can keep doing that and still hurt someone.


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the score? the truth? there's more than this...but this is all im writing about for now. it seems so cold and aweful now. i have three lovers i can look back on as extremely positive experiences. out of more than a dozen. how often do i have to learn the same lessons before i get them ingrained?