somethingstupid

Variations on "Spanking the Monkey" That Enable It to Apply to Female Masturbation.

BY EMILY LLOYD

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Applying consistent pressure to the monkey

Lightly flicking the monkey

Rhythmically washing the monkey

Rubbing the monkey against the Pottery Barn sisal rug

Spanking the monkey with a vibrator

Gently pinching the monkey

Sometimes just thinking really, really hard about the monkey

Writing the monkey's thesis


I've once again become obsessed with the lists here: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/


This Bible You Sold Me Is Clearly Defective and I'd Like to Return It, Please.

BY MATTHEW SIMMONS

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The printer must have run out of black ink, because a bunch of it is in red.

At no point does it tell what the middle initial "H" in our Savior's name stands for.

It seems to only sort of implicate the Jews in the Crucifixion, and instead suggests by way of self-deprecating irony that humanity as a whole is to blame.

I could not find the part where Moses says, "You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you all to Hell!"

My understanding is that Noah is supposed to be a large, talking cucumber.

This has got to be a bad translation because the Book of Revelation, instead of very clearly explaining the end times, the Rapture, and the final war with the Antichrist, doesn't make a damn bit of sense. It's full of a bunch of obscure symbols that are so open to interpretation, they could be applied to anything.

I'm pretty sure the real Bible mentions Attorney General John Ashcroft somewhere in it.