something_vague

so it's saturday night and i'm sitting at home.

how. fucking. sad.

oh well, tough luck, eh?

i've just finished 3 hours work and now i have nothing to do because the plans that i half make always seem to die in the arse before they eventuate. that is unless i make plans for make out or movies. but there will be none of that going on tonight.

so here's what happened today:

i got up
i sat on the net
i rang dad
i rang nan
i found out lunch at my uncle(on my mum's side)'s house was actually dinner
i rang dad
i got the shits
dad got the shits
...
gym
phone call
home
...
nans house
long drive to picton*
stay an hour and a half
leave
drive an hour and a half
work
home
SG


[*picton:
- the place where i got to at about 3.45pm
(the same place i had just got out of my car ready to be sociable)

so here's what happened there:
i had already seen so many things that reminded me of mum on the way to nan's house. i cried. i got to nan's house. i cried. i took nan driving and i saw all these things that reminded me of mum. i didn't cry. i was brave, i guess. or nostalgic? anyway, we got there and i got out of the car and i start to get nan's stuff out of the car and i look at my dad and he tells me that if i want to get back to work by 7pm a quicker way i need to ... something, something... clock tower. "but dad, i didn't see a clock tower". (dad and brother): "just listen. you never listen, i'm trying to help you" ... something, something, i don't remember what... then i go: "alright, well i'll just go home now. cya!" so i put nan's bag on the ground and i get in my car and lock the doors as they are running towards the doors to stop me from driving off. i start the car and watch my dad walk in front of the car to block me from driving off. it was fucked. i just broke down then and there. my nan was literally holding on to the car and beating on the window. she was so upset. it was fucked. i can't believe i let her feel that. :' ( after about what seemed like forever's worth of crying and thinking and crying and panicking and not being able to breathe, my dad told me to put the window down. i said no and i gestured for him to get out of the way because i already felt like a fucking idiot as my uncle's girlfriend's family had just arrived when i started to break down like a fucking maniac just a few minutes earlier and i just wanted to get the fuck outta there to avoid the awkward situation. but no, he made me put it down after having tried the handle a billion times. fuck i'm a psycho :' ( and after that it turned into more tears and more 'i just want to go'-'go where?'-'i don't know'- 's and my uncle's girlfriend, Eve almost entirely convinced me to get out and stay. i somehow managed to fully convince myself i had to stay and while dad was standing there, i said that the reason i was staying was because 'if i don't, dad will be angry at me'. but the real reason is because i felt like that's what i needed to do. my mum would have wanted me to stay the whole fucking night and if i could have, after the fun i had after deciding to stay, i would have.]

there's always something i end up crying about. last night it was my list. today it was my stupidity which i openly admitted and got told wasn't real. tomorrow, who fucking knows?

(i wish he'd answer his phone when i call. but i think he's got a new girl so he probably doesn't give a fuck anymore. lies. that's what i think it was that he used to tell me when he said he loved me. i mean, who the fuck says that then gets the shits when i call on his home phone instead of his mobile to tell him my mum was found DEAD?)

fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

why can't i find someone real? i'm so fucking lucky i even have ashley. if it weren't for him (and the way he lets me know he loves me when i'm almost dead to the world) i would go insane.